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97 ◆ chapter 5 ◆ Questioning What I Have Done Dancing with Tensions, Conflicts, and Contradictions Connie: My whole experience was positive. I grew up in a healthy family and my parents treated me well. They basically spoiled me. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m not going to complain about that. . . . I don’t want this to contradict what I said about having a happy childhood, but in the past couple of years I really wish that they had introduced me to the Korean culture, even just a little. They never really showed an interest in it. I’m not faulting them for it because they were doing what they thought was best for me. I don’t want them to feel that I resent them in any way for not introducing me to any Korean culture. If “dancing in between and nowhere at all” can be considered the opening of Pandora’s box, then dancing with a racial and transracial adoptee identity should be regarded as rummaging around inside that box. The adoptees’ explorations to discover their identities gave rise to tension, conflict, and contradiction, especially with the people who loved and knew them best. Many of the adoptees remarked that digging into their identities was the most tumultuous period in their lives. Some even wanted to end their journey as their discoveries were neither pleasant nor gave them the answers they sought. While they took pride in being Korean and followed some aspects of the culture, they came to realize that no matter how hard they tried to be accepted as authentic Koreans, their White cultural ways would impede full acceptance. No matter how much culture these adoptees actively embraced in their lives, more often than not Koreans did not view them as authentic Koreans. Even when the adoptees returned to Korea to live and connected with the culture, they typically spoke Korean with a “foreign” accent and viewed the world from a White cultural standpoint. All in all in they were learning, but not living, the Korean way. The adoptees discussed how their identity explorations were filled with uncertainties that sometimes caused much anxiety, trepidation, anger, and sorrow. Often they were unsure how to process these intense and overwhelming feelings. Some wanted to revert to a state of colorblindness, but found 98 ◆ chapter 5 that once awakened, they could not deny the complexity of their racial and transracial adoptee identities. After confronting everything that they believed to be true and revealing some of the unknowns, some adoptees lashed out against their parents and adoption agencies and were deemed angry adoptees. Of course, such anger and resentment arose because many felt that they had been lied to their entire lives by their loved ones. For many adoptees these feelings of anger eventually subsided as they further explored their identities and became more aware of and connected to their identity journeys. Some believed that this anger is a natural part of their dance of identities. Exploring their racial and transracial identities often led to dissociation and antagonism toward their White cultural identities. These tensions ultimately caused friction with their White parents, family members, and peers. For the adoptees who were married, particularly to White partners, their identity awakenings and explorations restructured their identities, which often led them to question if their partners could understand and accept their new identities. Their parents and partners knew only the culturally White informed person, who disregarded and denied their identities. During their explorations, these identities were at the core of their self-identity. This exploration then drove the adoptees further away from their culturally White informed lives, which naturally included their White parents and partners. A significant amount of tension arose as they attempted to claim control of their identities. Conflicts within the Korean adoptee community, alienation from Koreans, and separation from their White family members and peers certainly caused the adoptees to critically question if their identity journeys were worth the pain and anguish that they had brought upon themselves and their loved ones. However, once they were engaged in a sustained and critical exploration, they were unable to return to a state of complete denial of their racial and transracial identities and thus were forced to struggle with the “necessary negative” outcomes. Diversity and Tensions within the Korean Adoptee Community Several attendees of the 1999 Gathering returned to their homes and began seeking other Korean adoptees in their communities. Some joined and became actively involved in established adoptee groups...

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