-
Troubled times
- University of Pittsburgh Press
- Chapter
- Additional Information
43 Troubled times Each shot three times at least, thrice we don’t say much, I just now remember I was trying to write that morning about a goose being chased in the field by cows, it suggests, I remember just now I don’t want to feel what it suggests, I’ve been here, at this point of failure, about to picture him in the hall, in a room, and refusing that presence in my life, though I can’t go back to the goose, the phalanx of udders, I think I was writing “the cows lean forward like cannon,” refusing to water the images, let them grow, it suggests diligence, this is not a meditation, they were funny, tons of waddle chasing feathers, I don’t want his face behind my eyes, it’s too easy to let him be how I see the sun, I left a blank space behind me a moment ago, I had to go back and write “diligence” where nothing was, nor will I strike a line across the word to suggest my doubt, I’ll just come right out and admit my imperfections, that I am adrift hicok pages i-120.indd 43 1/7/10 3:23 PM 44 right here, in needing to talk about but not wanting to glorify him, the parents have lost everything, I’ve lost something, I don’t know what, it suggests ________, now I’ll leave blanks, will be pointless, as if moo could trap honk, my thoughts want to be bucolic, they have these “pick your own” places around here for apples and grief I imagine grows from the brain seeing itself one day in a shop window as it passes, so many problems because we know we exist, let us not know we exist, let us be blank, three times each, I keep starting to see him, an arm, a shoe, don’t think of the blue unicorn, the pink elephant, I can never remember how that goes, the chartreuse aardvark, how to unmind what’s in mind, how to mine, use, remove, to hold, so much to hold, I bend to pick up the memo and the cockroaches in my arms go free, disgusting, what I know now, what do I know now, the goose got away, I am here but here isn’t here, the sky worn by the hours like a cap that fits some other head hicok pages i-120.indd 44 1/7/10 3:23 PM ...