The Endarkenment

Heavy Breather Zoo

10 heavy breather Zoo Whatever happened to the heavy breather? Technology—*69, caller ID, the internet— has rendered his kink obsolete. Who can he dial now? He is the 8-track of deviants. He tried launching filthy messages in the naughty housewife chat room, but they just treated him like he was normal, which was damn near a death blow. Should we gather up the last few still out there, breathing all heavy in the wild, before they go extinct, place them in a special zoo, in cages, complete with rotary phones, unplugged of course, and nondescript apartment furniture—crumpled-up sandwich wrappers—to re-create the “natural habitat”? Perhaps a plaque that reads: here sits the heavy breather. He used to call housewives in the afternoon, turn his breath into a fog machine. He lived for that first intake of air, the gasp that escaped her mouth like a weather balloon as his fog traveled through her. ...