Blowout

Recession Commandments

22 Recession Commandments FORECLOSURE thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s corner lot nor thy neighbor’s broadband connection nor granite countertops nor thy neighbor’s ease in large groups of people nor thy neighbor’s two-car garage nor pool nor marble tile nor screened-in porch nor thy neighbor’s healthy eating habits nor closet space nor billiard room nor central air nor salt-and-pepper shakers nor thy neighbor’s direct sunlight thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife nor garden nor gardener nor Lexus nor thy neighbor’s perfect children nor thy neighbor’s popularity nor clean driving record nor thy neighbor’s husband and his sweet job nor thy neighbor’s credit score nor vacation plans nor thy neighbor’s wardrobe nor washing machine nor friendly hello’s nor energy nor energy drinks nor hair-styling products nor kayak nor spice rack nor thy neighbor’s Jacuzzi thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Merry Maids nor contractors nor pedigree dogs nor thy neighbor’s manicures nor thy neighbor’s spa memberships nor backscratcher nor matching luggage nor table manners nor graceful walk nor thy neighbor’s passport nor trust fund nor safe full of cash nor curtains nor down comforter nor leather couch nor thy neighbor’s charity work thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s oxygen bar nor ass nor Assembly of God membership nor anything else that is thy neighbor’s—not tennis rackets nor rollerblades nor art collection nor wine glasses nor Costco membership nor ice cubes nor commanding presence in a room nor junk mail and catalogs nor flawless articulation nor perfect posture nor political connections nor gutters nor scrapbook nor table runner nor encyclopedias nor vintage postcards nor brand new hammer nor chopsticks nor straight white teeth nor snow globe nor banister nor microwavable popcorn nor private jokes nor flirtatiousness nor TVs nor sound system nor shoe collection nor recessed lighting nor magazine subscriptions nor umbrellas nor umbrella stand nor sense of humor nor king size bed nor Sunday afternoon bicycle rides to get fresh air 23 UNEMPLOYMENT for six days thou shalt labor and do all thy work for six days thou shalt post thy resume, hand deliver thy resume, rewrite thy resume to best suit labor sought, mail thy resume overnight or priority, fudge thy resume for six days thou shalt kept track of all thy efforts to qualify for an extension of unemployment benefits for six days thou shalt feel guilty, cry, wring thy hands, redo thy checkbook, pawn thy TV and thy jewelry for six days thou shalt fill out applications at chain restaurants, hospitals, retail stores, schools, offices of all types (including temp offices), banks, nail salons, hair salons, supermarkets, nursing homes, construction sites, topless bars, hotdog stands for six days thou shalt set up an e-bay account to sell thy dishes, and thou shalt bring thy best clothes to a consignment shop for six days thou shalt call up favors and let go of thy pride for six days thou shalt apply for no-interest credit cards for six days thou shalt fill out applications to become a telemarketer, a customer service employee, a tutor, a nanny, a janitor, a maid, a dog-walker, a dogcatcher, a cashier, a mail order bride for six days thou shalt write letters to government officials when unemployment extension benefits are denied for six days thou shalt labor and do all the work thou can find INFLATION thou shalt watch American Idol, whether on TV or podcast thou shalt watch anything that will give thee false hope—that thou could compete on a show like America Has Talent or I Love Money to earn a windfall, that thou could once again afford Heavenly Hash ice cream, Earth shoes, or a new Brita water filter thou shalt not even dare window-shop for a killer purse, adult DVDs, sunglasses that last year thou would have thought a bargain 24 thou shalt ignore the news—the Pacific Island nation of Palau threatened with disappearance; houses in Shishmaref, Alaska, plunging into the sea; a redrawn map of the United States with Florida (where thou livest) chopped off, submerged thou shalt not relive the hurricanes, especially Katrina, after which thou bought gas cards and boxed up all the little toiletries, shampoos and soaps, thou had taken (though thou shalt...