American Poetry Now: Pitt Poetry Series Anthology

Jan Beatty

 4 Jan beatty Jan Beatty,theauthorof BoneshakerandMadRiver,istherecipientofthe PabloNerudaPrizeforPoetryandtwofellowshipsfromthePennsylvania CouncilontheArts.BeattyhostsandproducesProsody,apublicradioshow onNPRaffiliateWYEP-FMfeaturingtheworkof nationalwriters.She teachestheMadwomenintheAtticWritingWorkshopandintheMFA programatCarlowUniversity. Photo by Joyce Connors  4 Jan beatty Mad River Twodollarsandsixty-fivecents attheHotSpotTake-OutShack foronechilidogandacoke, Birmingham,Alabama,. IkissedaGreyhoundbusdriver toomanytimessoIcouldeat, Igotonechilidog,Iwantedtwo, thoughtI’dgettwo.LuckyI’mnotdead. Iaskedhimabouthischildren,his fourteen-year-olddaughtersavedmylife, pulleduphisrottenconsciencelike regurgitation,blackbilememory—Isaid Howoldisyourdaughter,afraidhe’dwant moreforhismoney,andintheslantlight of hisdarkChevyhesawaslice of myyounggirlfaceandsaid, She’sfourteen,Ibettergetyouback tothedepot,andtheblackstench of histwistedconsciencewantedonemore kiss,onemorekisstogetmeback tothebusstationandmylongridehome, towantingtospitupthedarkbeans, theirreddishbodiesstainingmyinsides likeadeadbaby,likeabloodspill, myheartpumpingitsmadriverwith sixtycentsinmypocketandtwenty-six hourstillhome,Iprayedforrain, Iprayedformorning. Ravenous Blue —in memoryof ScottPrather Wedriveuptovisityou,talkingaboutschoolandwork, wedon’tsayyou’vegoneblind,wedon’ttalkaboutAIDS. Inyourmother’slivingroom,yousitonachair  4 Jan beatty withbluefoampadding,yourbodytoothintobear itsownweight.Ikeeplookingattheblue, ravenousblue,remember?Wewerestonedandrunning upanddowntheaislesof thebeautysupplystore, lookingforhaircolor,whenIsaw ravenousbLue, andfellinlovewiththename. Youtriedtotalkmeoutof it,butwedyed myhairfromblondtoblue,andshortlyafter, youngboysinleatherstartedtryingtopickmeup, mistakingmeforayoungthrasher. Thecolorwassodark,wecouldn’tcoverit, sowejustlaugheduntilitgrewout,but nowwe’rehere,justusandthispressingair, yourwide,blindstare,thewordswedon’tsay, andI’msosorrywearehere, andthisisyou, dying. A Waitress’ Instructions on Tipping or Get the Cash Up and Don’t Waste My Time Twentypercentminimumaslongasthewaitressdoesn’tinflictbodilyharm. If you’retwopeopleatafourtop,tipextra. If yousitalongtime,payrent. Doubletipsforspecialorders. Alwaystipextrawhenusingcoupons. Betteryet,don’tusecoupons. Neverleavechangeinsteadof bills,nopennies. Neverhideatipforfun. Overtip,thentipsomemore. Remember,Iamsomebody’smotherordaughter. Noseparatepilesof changeforlargeparties. If peopleinyourpartydon’tshowup,tipforthem. Don’twaitaroundforgratitude. Takearisk.Don’tadjustyourtipsoyourcreditcardtotaliseven. Don’tever,everpulloutatippingguideinpublic. If youleave0%orless,eatathome.  4 Jan beatty withbluefoampadding,yourbodytoothintobear itsownweight.Ikeeplookingattheblue, ravenousblue,remember?Wewerestonedandrunning upanddowntheaislesof thebeautysupplystore, lookingforhaircolor,whenIsaw ravenousbLue, andfellinlovewiththename. Youtriedtotalkmeoutof it,butwedyed myhairfromblondtoblue,andshortlyafter, youngboysinleatherstartedtryingtopickmeup, mistakingmeforayoungthrasher. Thecolorwassodark,wecouldn’tcoverit, sowejustlaugheduntilitgrewout,but nowwe’rehere,justusandthispressingair, yourwide,blindstare,thewordswedon’tsay, andI’msosorrywearehere, andthisisyou, dying. A Waitress’ Instructions on Tipping or Get the Cash Up and Don’t Waste My Time Twentypercentminimumaslongasthewaitressdoesn’tinflictbodilyharm. If you’retwopeopleatafourtop,tipextra. If yousitalongtime,payrent. Doubletipsforspecialorders. Alwaystipextrawhenusingcoupons. Betteryet,don’tusecoupons. Neverleavechangeinsteadof bills,nopennies. Neverhideatipforfun. Overtip,thentipsomemore. Remember,Iamsomebody’smotherordaughter. Noseparatepilesof changeforlargeparties. If peopleinyourpartydon’tshowup,tipforthem. Don’twaitaroundforgratitude. Takearisk.Don’tadjustyourtipsoyourcreditcardtotaliseven. Don’tever,everpulloutatippingguideinpublic. If youleave0%orless,eatathome.  4 Jan beatty If Icallataxiforyou,tipme. If Ihangupyourcoatforyou,tipme. If Igetcigarettesforyou,tipme. Betteryet,doityourself. Don’tfoldabillandhandittomelikeyou’reabigshot. Don’tsay,There’sabigtipinitforyouif... Don’tsay,Iwanttomakesureyougetthis,likeabusboywouldstealit. Don’tsay,Here,honey,thisisforyou—ever. If youbuya$0bottleof wine,pulloutaten. If Iserveyouonecocktail,don’thandme¢. If you’rejusthavingcoffee,leaveafive. after sex on a train canadianrockiesfill mywindowIamnaked eatingblueberrymuffins sippingcokeandsmellingsperm lakesandpinesnobirdsflypast Ithinkof wildblueberries bleedingjuicethroughpaleyellow theyellowthat’salmostwhite mycalvesbruisedfromholdingon riversmovingswollenwhite railtieslieinpilesandI sniff themuskthatweallwant telephonepolesbendingtoward waterthewhitebirchthepines My Father Teaches Me to Dream Youwanttoknowwhatworkis? I’lltellyouwhatworkis. Workiswork. Yougetup.Yougetonthebus. Youdon’tlookfromsidetoside.  4 Jan beatty If Icallataxiforyou,tipme. If Ihangupyourcoatforyou,tipme. If Igetcigarettesforyou,tipme. Betteryet,doityourself. Don’tfoldabillandhandittomelikeyou’reabigshot. Don’tsay,There’sabigtipinitforyouif... Don’tsay,Iwanttomakesureyougetthis,likeabusboywouldstealit. Don’tsay,Here,honey,thisisforyou—ever. If youbuya$0bottleof wine,pulloutaten. If Iserveyouonecocktail,don’thandme¢. If you’rejusthavingcoffee,leaveafive. after sex on a train canadianrockiesfill mywindowIamnaked eatingblueberrymuffins sippingcokeandsmellingsperm lakesandpinesnobirdsflypast Ithinkof wildblueberries bleedingjuicethroughpaleyellow theyellowthat’salmostwhite mycalvesbruisedfromholdingon riversmovingswollenwhite railtieslieinpilesandI sniff themuskthatweallwant telephonepolesbendingtoward waterthewhitebirchthepines My Father Teaches Me to Dream Youwanttoknowwhatworkis? I’lltellyouwhatworkis. Workiswork. Yougetup.Yougetonthebus. Youdon’tlookfromsidetoside.  4 Jan beatty Youkeepyoureyesstraightahead. Thatway,nobodybothersyou—see? Yougetoff thebus.Youworkallday. Yougetbackonthebusatnight.Samething. Yougotosleep.Yougetup. Youdothesamethingagain. Nothingmore.Nothingless. There’snohandoutsinthislife. Allthisotherstuff you’relookingfor— itain’tthere. Workiswork. Going Deep for Jesus Runtothestreetlight,makearightatthe bluecar,andgodeep. —sharon Watson ,I’monthebackof acherry redKawasakiwithmyboyfriendStush, mybikerjacketboughtwithataxreturn fromayearof waitingtables,stuffed inmypocketthebadcheckIwrote toseeStevieRayplaytheDecade. DownBeck’sRunwehitCarson,mycheek restingonStush’sfirmshouldertill thegroundrisesupwiththehulkof J&L acrosstheriver,steelhousethatburnsitall, anup-against-the-wall-fuck,thick& ripping,everythingissmokestacks &yellowblaze.Weridetheriverroads, lookingfordesertedtwo-lanes, newspapersstuffedunderourleather forwarmth.Iwanttoforgetmyname— everythingbutthesharpleaninto thenextturn,thecheapslapof thewind. Stushbragsabouthiswater-cooled, two-strokeengine,butIjustwant  4 Jan beatty Youkeepyoureyesstraightahead. Thatway,nobodybothersyou—see? Yougetoff thebus.Youworkallday. Yougetbackonthebusatnight.Samething. Yougotosleep.Yougetup. Youdothesamethingagain. Nothingmore.Nothingless. There’snohandoutsinthislife. Allthisotherstuff you’relookingfor— itain’tthere. Workiswork. Going Deep for Jesus Runtothestreetlight,makearightatthe bluecar,andgodeep. —sharon Watson ,I’monthebackof acherry redKawasakiwithmyboyfriendStush, mybikerjacketboughtwithataxreturn fromayearof waitingtables,stuffed inmypocketthebadcheckIwrote toseeStevieRayplaytheDecade. DownBeck’sRunwehitCarson,mycheek restingonStush’sfirmshouldertill thegroundrisesupwiththehulkof J&L acrosstheriver,steelhousethatburnsitall, anup-against-the-wall-fuck,thick& ripping,everythingissmokestacks &yellowblaze.Weridetheriverroads, lookingfordesertedtwo-lanes, newspapersstuffedunderourleather forwarmth.Iwanttoforgetmyname— everythingbutthesharpleaninto thenextturn,thecheapslapof thewind. Stushbragsabouthiswater-cooled, two-strokeengine,butIjustwant  4 Jan beatty thecontacthighof leather,metal, andtheslowburnof afewjoints. Pastthebridges&bridges,weride awayfromourfast-foodjobsand run-downapartment,towardthesmell of theOhio,itsperpetualmire,therotting docksandlean-tos,towhatweknew. Iknewthemusclesinhisback&his lowvoicewouldmakemecome backtomyself.Westopnearthebog of theriver’sedgetohavehardsex ontheground,ourjeansstillon, tryingtoshotgunamoment,tosplitopen ourlivesinthebrilliantlightuntil wewerethemills,wewerethefire. ItwasthenIdecidedgodandorgasm werethesamething,thatif jesus hadanaddress,itwouldbeadarktwo-lane, if godwerehere,she’dshovedown likeatwo-strokeinarainstorm, she’dletitfly. Zen of Tipping MyfriendLou usedtowalkuptostrangers andtipthem—no,really— he’dcruisetheSouthSide, pickoutthebusinessmanonhisway tolunch,theslackerhanging bytheBeehive,theyounggirl walkingherdog,andhe’dgoup, pulloutadollarandsay, Here’satipforyou. Ithinkyou’redoingareally goodjobtoday.ThenLouwould walkawayasthetippeestood  4 Jan beatty thecontacthighof leather,metal, andtheslowburnof afewjoints. Pastthebridges&bridges,weride awayfromourfast-foodjobsand run-downapartment,towardthesmell of theOhio,itsperpetualmire,therotting docksandlean-tos,towhatweknew. Iknewthemusclesinhisback&his lowvoicewouldmakemecome backtomyself.Westopnearthebog...