American Poetry Now: Pitt Poetry Series Anthology

Julia Kasdorf

 4 JuLia kasdorf Julia Kasdorfhaspublishedtwocollectionsof poetry,Eve’sStripteaseand SleepingPreacher,whichwontheAgnesLynchStarrettPoetryPrizeandthe GreatLakesAwardforNewWriting.Sheisalsotheauthorof acollectionof essays,TheBodyandtheBook:WritingfromaMennoniteLife, andabiography, FixingTradition:JosephW.Yoder,AmishAmerican.WithMichaelTyrellshehas editedtheanthologyBrokenLand:Poemsof Brooklyn.Sheteachescreative writingatThePennsylvaniaStateUniversity,UniversityParkcampus,where sheisassociateprofessorof Englishandwomen’sstudies.  4 JuLia kasdorf What I Learned from My Mother Ilearnedfrommymotherhowtolove theliving,tohaveplentyof vasesonhand incaseyouhavetorushtothehospital withpeoniescutfromthelawn,blackants stillstucktothebuds.Ilearnedtosavejars largeenoughtoholdfruitsaladforawhole grievinghousehold,tocubehome-cannedpears andpeaches,toslicethroughmaroongrapeskins andflickoutthesexualseedswithaknifepoint. Ilearnedtoattendviewingsevenif Ididn’tknow thedeceased,topressthemoisthands of theliving,tolookintheireyesandoffer sympathy,asthoughIunderstoodlosseventhen. Ilearnedthatwhateverwesaymeansnothing, whatanyonewillrememberisthatwecame. IlearnedtobelieveIhadthepowertoease awfulpainsmateriallylikeanangel. Likeadoctor,Ilearnedtocreate fromanother’ssufferingmyownusefulness,andonce youknowhowtodothis,youcanneverrefuse. Toeveryhouseyouenter,youmustoffer healing:achocolatecakeyoubakedyourself, theblessingof yourvoice,yourchastetouch. Mennonites Wekeepourquiltsinclosetsanddonotdance. Wehoethistlesalongfencerowsforfear wemaynotbeperfectasourHeavenlyFather. Wecleanuphisdisasters.Noonehasto call;wejustshowupinthewakeof tornadoes withhammers,afterfloodswithbuckets. LikeJesus,theservant,wewasheachother’sfeet twiceayearandeattheLord’sSupper, afraidof sinshiddensodeepinourorgans  4 JuLia kasdorf theycoulddamnusunawares, swallowingthisbread,hisbody,thisjuice. Growingup,welovetheengravingsin MartyrsMirror: mendrownedlikecatsinburlapsacks, theCatholicinquisitors, thewomanwhohandedapeartoherson, hertonguescrewedtotheroof of hermouth tokeepherfromsinginghymnswhilesheburned. WeloveCatherinetheGreatandtherichtracts shegaveusintheUkraine,brightgreenwinterwheat, theCossackswhotorchedit,andStalin, whostarvedourcousinswhilewheatrotted ingranaries.Wemustloveourenemies. Wemustforgiveasoursinsareforgiven, ourgreat-uncletellsus,showingthechain andballinacagewhittledfromoneblockof wood whilehewasinprisonforrefusingtoshoulder agun.Heshowstheclippingfrom: MennonitesareGermanmilksops,tooyellowtofight. WelovethoseNazisoldierswho,likeMoses, ledthelastcattlecarsrockingoutof theUkraine, crammedwithourparents—childrenthen— learningthenamesof Kansas,Saskatchewan,Paraguay. Thisiswhywecannotleavethebeliefs orwhatelsewouldwebe?whyweeat ’tilwe’redrunkonshooflyandmoonpiesandborscht. Wedonotdrink;wesing.UnaccompaniedonSundays, thosehymnsinfourparts,ourvoicesliftwithsuchforce thatwelift,aschaff liftstowardGod. When Our Women Go Crazy Whenourwomengocrazy,they’rescaredtherewon’tbe enoughmeatinthehouse.Theykeepasking buthowwillweeat?Whowillcook?Willtherebeenough? Mothertodaughter,it’salwaysthesame questions.Thesistersandauntsrecognizesymptoms:  4 JuLia kasdorf theycoulddamnusunawares, swallowingthisbread,hisbody,thisjuice. Growingup,welovetheengravingsin MartyrsMirror: mendrownedlikecatsinburlapsacks, theCatholicinquisitors, thewomanwhohandedapeartoherson, hertonguescrewedtotheroof of hermouth tokeepherfromsinginghymnswhilesheburned. WeloveCatherinetheGreatandtherichtracts shegaveusintheUkraine,brightgreenwinterwheat, theCossackswhotorchedit,andStalin, whostarvedourcousinswhilewheatrotted ingranaries.Wemustloveourenemies. Wemustforgiveasoursinsareforgiven, ourgreat-uncletellsus,showingthechain andballinacagewhittledfromoneblockof wood whilehewasinprisonforrefusingtoshoulder agun.Heshowstheclippingfrom: MennonitesareGermanmilksops,tooyellowtofight. WelovethoseNazisoldierswho,likeMoses, ledthelastcattlecarsrockingoutof theUkraine, crammedwithourparents—childrenthen— learningthenamesof Kansas,Saskatchewan,Paraguay. Thisiswhywecannotleavethebeliefs orwhatelsewouldwebe?whyweeat ’tilwe’redrunkonshooflyandmoonpiesandborscht. Wedonotdrink;wesing.UnaccompaniedonSundays, thosehymnsinfourparts,ourvoicesliftwithsuchforce thatwelift,aschaff liftstowardGod. When Our Women Go Crazy Whenourwomengocrazy,they’rescaredtherewon’tbe enoughmeatinthehouse.Theykeepasking buthowwillweeat?Whowillcook?Willtherebeenough? Mothertodaughter,it’salwaysthesame questions.Thesistersandauntsrecognizesymptoms:  4 JuLia kasdorf shethinksthere’snofood,sameasMommy beforetheysentherawaytothatplace, andshethinksif shegoes,themenwilleat whatevertheyfindrightoutof thesaucepans. Whenourwomenaresane,theycantomatoes andsimmerbigpotsof soupforthefreezer. Theyaresatisfiedarrangingspicetins oncupboardshelveslinedwithcleanpaper. Theysavealltheleftoversundertightlids andonlythrowthemawaywhenthey’rerotten. Theirrefrigeratorsarealwaysimmaculateandfull, whichisalsothecasewhenourwomenarecrazy. First Gestures Amongthefirstwelearnisgood-bye, yourtinywristbetweenDad’sforefinger andthumbforcedtowavebye-byetoMom, whosehandsailsbrightlybehindawindshield. Thenit’sdonetomakeusfollow: inacrowdedmall,awomanwaves,“Bye, we’releaving,”andhersonstandsfirm sobbing,untilatlastherunsafterher, amongshoppersdriftinglikesharks whomustdragtheirgreathulks underwater,eveninsleep,ordrown. Living,wecovervastterritories; imagineyourlifedrawnonamap— ascribbleonthetownwhereyougrewup, eachbustriptracedbetweenschool andhome,oracleanlineacrossthesea toaplaceyouflewonce.Thinkof thetime andthingsweaccumulate,allthewhilegrowing moreconsciousof losingandleaving.Aging, ourbodiescollectwrinklesandscars foreachplacetheworldwouldnotgive  4 JuLia kasdorf shethinksthere’snofood,sameasMommy beforetheysentherawaytothatplace, andshethinksif shegoes,themenwilleat whatevertheyfindrightoutof thesaucepans. Whenourwomenaresane,theycantomatoes andsimmerbigpotsof soupforthefreezer. Theyaresatisfiedarrangingspicetins oncupboardshelveslinedwithcleanpaper. Theysavealltheleftoversundertightlids andonlythrowthemawaywhenthey’rerotten. Theirrefrigeratorsarealwaysimmaculateandfull, whichisalsothecasewhenourwomenarecrazy. First Gestures Amongthefirstwelearnisgood-bye, yourtinywristbetweenDad’sforefinger andthumbforcedtowavebye-byetoMom, whosehandsailsbrightlybehindawindshield. Thenit’sdonetomakeusfollow: inacrowdedmall,awomanwaves,“Bye, we’releaving,”andhersonstandsfirm sobbing,untilatlastherunsafterher, amongshoppersdriftinglikesharks whomustdragtheirgreathulks underwater,eveninsleep,ordrown. Living,wecovervastterritories; imagineyourlifedrawnonamap— ascribbleonthetownwhereyougrewup, eachbustriptracedbetweenschool andhome,oracleanlineacrossthesea toaplaceyouflewonce.Thinkof thetime andthingsweaccumulate,allthewhilegrowing moreconsciousof losingandleaving.Aging, ourbodiescollectwrinklesandscars foreachplacetheworldwouldnotgive  4 JuLia kasdorf underourweight.Ourthoughtsgetlaced withstrangeaches,sweetasthefinalchord thathangsinaguitar’sblondtorso. Thinkhowaparticularridgeof hills fromasummerof yourchildhoodgrows insignificance,oronehourof light— lateafternoon,say,whenthicksunflings theshadowof Virginiacreepervines acrossthewallof atiny,whiteroom whereagirlmakesloveforthefirsttime. Itsleavestremblelikesmallhands againstthescreenwhilesheweeps inthearmsof herbewilderedlover. She’stooyoungtoseethataswegather losses,wemayalsogrowinlove; asinpassion,thebodyshudders andclutcheswhatitmustrelease. Eve’s Striptease LingerieshoppingwithMom,Ibracedmyself fortheweddingnightadvice.WouldIseem curiousenough,sufficientlyafraid?Yet whenwesattogetherontheirbed,herwords weresurprisinglywise: Whateverhappens,rememberthis— itkeepsgettingbetterandbetter. Shehadtobetellingthetruth.Atten, Ifoundajarof Vaselineinhernightstand, itscreamygreasegougeddeep,anddusting theirroomeachweek,Imarkedthedecline of bedsidecandles.Butshedidn’tsaylust isabirdof preyortellmethepassion shepassedontomeisnoprotectorof borders. She’dwarnedmeonlyabouttheurgesmenget andhowtosavemyself fromthem.Though  4 JuLia kasdorf underourweight.Ourthoughtsgetlaced withstrangeaches,sweetasthefinalchord thathangsinaguitar’sblondtorso. Thinkhowaparticularridgeof hills fromasummerof yourchildhoodgrows insignificance,oronehourof light— lateafternoon,say,whenthicksunflings theshadowof Virginiacreepervines acrossthewallof atiny,whiteroom whereagirlmakesloveforthefirsttime. Itsleavestremblelikesmallhands againstthescreenwhilesheweeps inthearmsof herbewilderedlover. She’stooyoungtoseethataswegather losses,wemayalsogrowinlove; asinpassion,thebodyshudders andclutcheswhatitmustrelease. Eve’s Striptease LingerieshoppingwithMom,Ibracedmyself fortheweddingnightadvice.WouldIseem curiousenough,sufficientlyafraid?Yet whenwesattogetherontheirbed,herwords weresurprisinglywise: Whateverhappens,rememberthis— itkeepsgettingbetterandbetter. Shehadtobetellingthetruth.Atten, Ifoundajarof Vaselineinhernightstand, itscreamygreasegougeddeep,anddusting theirroomeachweek,Imarkedthedecline of bedsidecandles.Butshedidn’tsaylust isabirdof preyortellmethepassion shepassedontomeisnoprotectorof borders. She’dwarnedmeonlyabouttheurgesmenget andhowtosavemyself fromthem.Though  4 JuLia kasdorf she’dflirtwithanygreenhouseman forthebestcabbageflats,anygreasemonkey underthehood,sheneverkissedanyonebutDad. Howcouldsheguessthatwith JesusLovesMe onmytongue,constantlysufferingcrushes onuncles,Iwouldcometofindthat almosteverythinggetsbetterandbetter? Thetinybirdshesetlovinginmemust keepon,battingthebarsof itscage inarageonlymatchedbymycravings foranamplepantryandgoldenanniversary. Sheletmelearnformyself allthedesires abodycanhold,howtheygrowstronger andwilderwithage,tuggingineverydirection untilitfeelsmysternummightsplit likeAdam’swhenEvesteppedout, sloughingoff ribs. The Sun Lover Thelongafternoonafterchurch agirlliesonthelawn, glazedthighsslightlyparted, fingerssplayedlikepetals.Atsixteen sheisavirgin.Whileherparentsnap inthequiethouse,sheknows thesunisteachingheraboutlove, howitcomesoveryourbody makingeverymusclegosoft initspitilessgaze, howitpenetrateseverything, changingyouintosomethingdark andradiant.Shecravesit, knowsitiseverywherelikeGod’slove, butdifficulttofind.Shewaits, entirelystill,tryingtoseehereyelids—  4 JuLia kasdorf she’dflirtwithanygreenhouseman forthebestcabbageflats,anygreasemonkey underthehood,sheneverkissedanyonebutDad. Howcouldsheguessthatwith JesusLovesMe onmytongue,constantlysufferingcrushes onuncles,Iwouldcometofindthat almosteverythinggetsbetterandbetter? Thetinybirdshesetlovinginmemust keepon,battingthebarsof itscage inarageonlymatchedbymycravings foranamplepantryandgoldenanniversary. Sheletmelearnformyself allthedesires abodycanhold,howtheygrowstronger andwilderwithage,tuggingineverydirection untilitfeelsmysternummightsplit likeAdam’swhenEvesteppedout, sloughingoff ribs. The Sun Lover Thelongafternoonafterchurch agirlliesonthelawn, glazedthighsslightlyparted, fingerssplayedlikepetals.Atsixteen sheisavirgin.Whileherparentsnap inthequiethouse,sheknows thesunisteachingheraboutlove, howitcomesoveryourbody makingeverymusclegosoft initspitilessgaze, howitpenetrateseverything, changingyouintosomethingdark andradiant.Shecravesit, knowsitiseverywherelikeGod’slove, butdifficulttofind.Shewaits, entirelystill,tryingtoseehereyelids—  4 JuLia kasdorf notlingeringtraces,butthelidsthemselves luminousandredasthecheeksof thekid whostuckaflashlightinhismouthatcamp. Shesquintssothetipsof herlashes flashlikeiridescentfishscales. Everyhour,sheturnsoverbutprefers tofacethesun.Allherlife she’llmeasurelovesagainstthis gentleravishing.She’llspendafternoons aloneoncrowdedbeaches,andathome standnakedbeforemirrors,amazed bythepaleshapeof hersuit.She’lltouch hercheekbones’tinglingpink,andnip atherlover’sshoulder,asif itwereearthshewereafter. Sinning WhenIwasseven,Momaskedif...