American Poetry Now: Pitt Poetry Series Anthology

Gray Jacobik

 4 gray JaCobik Gray JacobikisapainterandpoetwholivesinDeepRiver,Connecticut. HercollectionsincludeBraveDisguises,winnerof theAssociatedWriting ProgramsPoetryPrize;TheSurfaceof LastScattering, winnerof theX.J. KennedyPrize;andTheDoubleTask,winnerof theJuniperPrize.Sheisonthe facultyof theStonecoastMFAprogram.  4 gray JaCobik Pollock’s Paintings Thismaybemusic movingthroughthenightair lookingforaMozart, orscreamingforsomeas-yet unrealized instrumenttobeinvented. Jealousy,perhaps,makingitsway towardthehandthatwillbecome afist— orthedrift of neurotransmitters movingacrosssynapses insearchof therightmoleculestobindwith. Thiscouldbeasupernovaremnant withitsgaseouseruptions spewingforth particulatematter, pockedbyantimatter, irradiatedbygammarays— oranything,anyforceof thenatural orpreternaturalworld,micro-ormacroscopic, perhapswholly imagined andwithoutanalog, artcreatingitself. SomesayPollockshowsuschaos, itsubiquity, itsvisualflippancies, theliquidmigrations of primordialstuff asitspurtsandcurlsandfalls throughcurrents toominuteforus tomeasure— orthepandemoniumof anentropicmind.  4 gray JaCobik Nothingdemonic ordivine inthis,thiseverywhere andalwaysthatspells itswaythroughus, orwethroughit. Wetakehisgiftof motion,memory,light thatreachesout throughendless ropes andstrings andloops, probesof paint shotforth orflung inthedance of humanenergy. PerhapsthisisDickinson’sdivineinsanity, thementaltraveler’sdream, thejourneysof amillionlives inscribedinalexiconof line, color, texture, aninfiniteseriesof relationsgraphically displayed. Itisunfathomable,thiswordlessness findingatechnique, orasDurassays— Asdistantfromwords astheunknownobject of anobjectlesslove— possibilitiesvisibleintheabstract. The Shabby Truth TheChowderHouseonFisherman’sWharf inMonterey: acrossthetable,mygrownson.Ihavejusttoldhimabout thesecondtimeIwasraped,attwenty-eight,howitended myworkinginamassageparlorbecauseIcouldn’tovercome myfearof menafterthat.Heshowshispaininthescowl thatripsacrosshisfaceandthedowncastlookhekeeps alongtime.Thetwoof usaresteppingacrossabridge  4 gray JaCobik Nothingdemonic ordivine inthis,thiseverywhere andalwaysthatspells itswaythroughus, orwethroughit. Wetakehisgiftof motion,memory,light thatreachesout throughendless ropes andstrings andloops, probesof paint shotforth orflung inthedance of humanenergy. PerhapsthisisDickinson’sdivineinsanity, thementaltraveler’sdream, thejourneysof amillionlives inscribedinalexiconof line, color, texture, aninfiniteseriesof relationsgraphically displayed. Itisunfathomable,thiswordlessness findingatechnique, orasDurassays— Asdistantfromwords astheunknownobject of anobjectlesslove— possibilitiesvisibleintheabstract. The Shabby Truth TheChowderHouseonFisherman’sWharf inMonterey: acrossthetable,mygrownson.Ihavejusttoldhimabout thesecondtimeIwasraped,attwenty-eight,howitended myworkinginamassageparlorbecauseIcouldn’tovercome myfearof menafterthat.Heshowshispaininthescowl thatripsacrosshisfaceandthedowncastlookhekeeps alongtime.Thetwoof usaresteppingacrossabridge  4 gray JaCobik towardoneanother,anabyssunderthebridge.He’scoming outof thekindof fogthathugsthatpeninsulamostmornings. I’mwalkingoutsideof pretenseasif it’sacityI’velivedin allmylifeandneverleftbefore.Ineededalotof cashfast, Itellhim,yourfatherdesertedus—youandmeandyour sister.TheenginehaddiedinmyVWbus.Iwastoo proudtoaskforhelp.Anotherscowlcrosseshisface, thenhesteadieshisgaze,takesmein,leansbackinthebooth. Isaythisbecausehe’sjusttoldmehowhefindsclients ontheInternet,knowstheirfantasiesindetailbeforehe meetsthem.Hedoesexactlywhattheywantandtheyare theonesincontrol,hesays,thesewomenwhosendhim acreditcardsohecanrentaTransAmattheairport, reserveasuite,paythetabatgoodrestaurants.One’s arockmusicianwhofliesinfromNewYork;another’s aplasticsurgeon’swife.Iamswallowingnauseawith mylemonsoleandbakedpotato,thinking,thinking, youwillnothearmepassjudgementonyou,Iwillnot tellyouabouthowloveisimpossiblewhenmoneyisinvolved, howyoursoulisinperil,asminewas.Soulscanbelostforever, eveninthemodernworldwherethereisnorealdevil,ithappens. Iwillnotletfearcreepforward,orshamestealthismoment. Iwasasdesperateasyoufeel,Isay,andIbelievedgoodcould comeof touchingpeopleintheirdeepestmostsacredplaces evenif youdon’tgotherewiththem.I’mmeetingtheir naturalneeds,hesays.Asingivingablowjob,Idon’tsay, goingdownonaniron-bodiedbusinessmanwho’sbetween flightsatNationalandcatchesacabtothePhaseIIIHealth ClubinAlexandriawithitsblackwallsandblackfloors andceilingmirrors,withitsfrontroomfullof sleazily-dressed women,hismotherone.SoIknowwhatyoumustbefeeling, Isay,toseethesepeoplesostarvedfortouchtheyfallapart underyourhands.Yes,hesays,yes,theydo,theyfallapart underyourhands,that’sright,andthenhelooksupatme astonished,wondering,Iimagine,isthismymother? There’snoloveintheirlives,hesays,nobodytouchesthem. It’scrazy.YesIknow,Isay,andlookdeepintohisgreen eyes,myeyes.Wesitsilentawhile,bewilderedinthepresence of ourtruth,thepresenceof ourlies,thesaidandtheunsaid. 0 4 gray JaCobik Breasts I’vealwaysenjoyedwatchingthejouncingbreasts of awomanwalking,theeasyriseandfallof flesh, somotherlyorerotic,anatomymostpersonal, andyet,attimes,givensofreelytoloverorinfant, orpalpatedbytheinquiringhandsof thephysician, flattenedbetweentheglassandsteelof thex-ray, fatty,duct-rich,nodular,capillarial,thebiopsied oraugmentedorreshaped,vulnerabletoinfection, cyst,tumor;achinglytenderattimesandtoo obviousornotnoticeableenough,thecoupled (if she’swearingabra)oruncoupled(if she’snot) harmonicoscillations,markedbysize,firmness, colorof aureole,sign,signal,burden,shame, alwaysbecomingoldwoman’sdugs,striated, bulbous,droopingdownwardwithage,unlovely, grotesque,nipplesattenuatedorinverted, thebodynowbarren—allthisinthatgraceful motion,awomanwalkingpast,ageless,primordial, aLilith,Miriam,orRuth,mother,sister,wife, friend,anordinarybeing,herbreastsjouncing. The Lizard Man Amanhastattooedeveryinchof hisbody withhalf-circularscalescoloredavividgreen. Soon,nodoubt,copycats—we’llfindourselves livingamongcreature-people,menageries of humansnailsandpenguins,butterflies andgreatcrestedauks,eachof usbranded decorativelyasourhigh-affinityspecies. Ratherlikeachildren’spicturebookwhere theanimalshuddleroundsecond-guessing onewho’srunafoulof afarmer’srake, we’llgossipandspeculateaboutmiscreant breeds.Exclusivetortoise-onlycountryclubs,  4 gray JaCobik gatedcommunitiesforreptiliansorpersons of thebovinepersuasion,we’llbespecies chauvinists—for,asHeraclituswrote, “Theapeapesfindmostbeautifullooks apishtonon-apes.”Iwonderwhatage we’lldeclaretobetheageof consent,orwill wecallitconsecration?Idedicatemyself tothe sloe-eyedanteater...thebloodhound...theferret... Shops,boutiques,industries,devotedtoour favoritelivingthing,insidergestures,ocelotargot, off-speciesjokes.Andthenthere’llbethetragic crossingswhenasquirreldecideshe’strulyagoat, acougarapeacock.Tattootransplantprotocols willbedeveloped,butcross-speciesdressing, closetedorflamboyantlyexhibitedinclubs, willgounchecked.Bigfusswhenagangof scarlet ibiscrashanorgyfororangutans.They’llbepurists predictablycryingculturalabuse!whenachild’sraised inamixedspecieshome.Yet,liketheLizardMan, wemayenjoyshowingoff ourmottlesandfeathers, splotchesandstripes,scalesanddapplings,and, withpanache,flauntingouretchedandtintedskins. ...