The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

Chapter LXXVI

Volume Two, Chapter LXXVI 323 chapter lxxvi. They distress the housekeepers of Bath, by another mischievous contrivance. Peregrine humbles a noted hector, and meets with a strange character at the house of a certain lady. This adventure was attended with another small tour, that involved almost all the inhabitants of Bath in a very ludicrous scene of distress. Our hero, among his other remarks, had observed, that in this place there was no such utensil as a jack,1 and that all the spits were turned by dogs,2 which never failed to appear, at the hour of employment, with surprising exactness and regularity: so that every family depended with great confidence upon their known punctuality, without taking the trouble to secure them before-hand. Our companions therefore, by means of their understrappers, who employed several chairmen for the purpose, apprehended all these useful animals, on Saturday at night, and confined them in an out-house, with a view of perplexing the people with regard to their Sunday’s dinner. Nor were they disappointed in their expectations; the surloins being spitted at the usual time, the cook-maid appeared at every door almost at the same instant; and after having earnestly cast their eyes around, they began to run about the street, and whistle with great vehemence, ejaculating curses between whiles against the innocent curs, that were disabled from obeying the dictates of their duty. Frivolous as this circumstance may seem to be, it was here considered as a family-concern of some consequence; for the maids having communicated the affair to their respective mistresses, every house in a twinkling sent forth its master in a night-cap, slippers, and morning-gown, in order to find some remedy for this dreadful calamity; and a second concert of whistling was performed in vain. They even assembled in committees in the street, to deliberate on this unheard-of defection of the dogs; and having cudgelled their brains to no purpose, returned to their several homes, in manifest terror of losing a favourite meal. Over and above this their distraction, which our young gentlemen in person enjoyed , they afterwards understood, that the affliction in many houses was increased, by the miscarriage of the shifts to which they were reduced on this occasion. One master of a family, through the perverseness of his servants, was obliged to undertake the of- fice of turnspit in propria persona, to the destruction of his appetite, and the danger of his health; another being driven to the necessity of cutting the roast into steaks, fell sick of mortification, and had well nigh lost his wits; and a third having contrived to suspend the surloin before the fire, in order to be twirled about by the hand of an attendant , the pack-thread gave way towards the end of the operation,3 and the meat falling down, discharged the contents of the dripping-pan upon his leg, which was scalded in a miserable manner: and what added to their vexation, about one o’clock, when the disappointment was most severely felt, and the misfortune irretrievable, Peregrine or- 324 The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle dered the prisoners to be discharged, and every kitchen was visited by one of these quadrupeds, as if they had come on purpose to insult the distress they had occasioned. These, and a variety of other stratagems, practised upon the objects of ridicule, hatred and contempt, confirmed and augmented the reputation of our adventurers, who had, by this time, rendered themselves terrible to all sorts of delinquents of both sexes, from the brazen-fronted gamester and female libertine, to the stale maiden that deals in scandal and strong waters,4 and the puny flutterer, who seems to have resigned all pretensions to manhood. Among those who never failed to reside at Bath, during the season, was a certain person, who, from the most abject misery, had by his industry and art at play, amassed about fifteen thousand pounds; and though his character was notorious, insinuated himself so far into the favour of what is called the best company, that very few private parties of pleasure took place, in which he was not principally concerned. He was of a gigantic stature, a most intrepid countenance; and his disposition , naturally over-bearing, had in the course of his adventures and success, acquired a most intolerable degree of insolence and vanity. By the ferocity of his features, and audacity of his behaviour, he had...