The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

Chapter LXXXIX

Volume Three, Chapter LXXXIX 451 chapter lxxxix. Peregrine amuses his imagination, by slight incursions upon the territory of vice and folly; reforms a back-sliding brother, and sends a celebrated sharper into exile. His heart being thus, as it were, suspended between two objects that lessened the force of each other’s attraction, he took this opportunity of enjoying some respite , and for the present detached his sentiments from both; resolving to indulge himself in the exercise of that practical satire,1 which was so agreeable and peculiar to his disposition. In this laudable determination he was confirmed by the repeated suggestions of his friend Cadwallader, who taxed him with letting his talents rust in indolence , and stimulated his natural vivacity, with a succession of fresh discoveries in the world of scandal. Thus reinforced, they took the field, and performed various exploits, to the mortification , astonishment and dismay of all those coxcombs, whether male or female, fierce or feeble, insolent or tame, that hang like tatters on the skirts of gallantry, and bring the fashion into disgrace. As I might trespass upon the patience of the reader, in giving a minute detail of each adventure of this kind which they atchieved, I shall content myself with relating two only, to which indeed all the rest bore some resemblance. Peregrine’s intelligencer, who (as we have already observed) was a privileged person in all parties, happened one morning to breakfast with a sort of a great man, who, with a large stock of timorous superstition and exterior piety, had at bottom a spice of carnality , which all his religion could not extinguish. Among the rest of his dependants, there was a certain favourite, who by the most assiduous attention to his humour, in a course of artful flattery and servile complaisance, had insinuated himself so far into his confidence and esteem, that he now acted in the capacity of his counsellor and director , both in his spiritual and temporal concerns. This cunning parasite having discovered his patron’s infirmity, began to be afraid, that in the instigations of the flesh, he might be tempted to employ some other agent for the gratification of his appetite: and foreseeing that any minister of this kind would infallibly prove a dangerous rival to him, in the good graces of his master, he resolved to anticipate the misfortune, and, with his other offices, monopolize the functions of a Mercury,2 for which his talents were perfectly well adapted. But this was not the whole of his task; he knew there were certain qualms and scruples of conscience to be removed , as well as other motives of shyness and distrust, which he durst not leave to the operation of his friend’s own desires, lest he should choose some other confident; he therefore observed the different seasons of his constitution, and culled the proper opportunities of expressing a relaxation in his sentiments of chastity; which being gratefully received, he proceeded in the work of conversion, already half effected by his pa- 452 The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle tron’s own passions; and in conclusion, found a willing dame to quench this fire that scorched his vitals. He had overnight obtained her consent, and the particulars of their meeting were adjusted, in presence of Cadwallader, who gave his associate to understand that, with a view of keeping the rendezvous secret and mysterious, as well as of saving the lovers that mutual confusion which the light must have produced, the scene of their interview was laid in a summer-house, that stood at the end of his garden, to which the lady and her conductor would be admitted in the dark, through a back-door that should be left open for the purpose. Peregrine being made acquainted with these particulars, together with the hour of assignation, ordered Pipes to purchase a live calf, and carried it in a sack, about the twilight, to the back-garden-door, which our hero entered without hesitation, disposing himself and his attendants in a dark alcove immediately under the summer-house, where (without disengaging the animal from its covering) he besmeared its front with liquid phosphorus, and directed Tom to unveil, and present it to the company at their approach, while he himself absconded behind a pillar, from whence he could view the entertainment. They had continued a whole hour in this situation, when they perceived by star-light, three persons enter the postern , and...