Ghost Traps

A Sweepstakes Story

A Sweepstakes Story Today I received another sweepstakes entry letter in the mail which promised that if I read it through, every word, I would learn the secret of just possibly, it just might be you, Mr. Abel of Lake Pleasant, of winning fabulous sums. This gave me an idea. Writers want nothing more than to have their stories read from start to finish. A six-page story that is thrown down in disgust by the reader at page three is a tragedyfor the writer; the 500-page novel hurled into the fireplace at page two is an awesome calamity; if a reader falls asleep after the first six words, the writer of those words (unless he or she is a hypnotist) would surely contemplate suicide, or, even worse, changing professions. After I read the sweepstakes entry letter and learned that my key to possibly earning millions (or a compensatory yellow Cadillac, or a mountain escape hideaway , or a Marco Polo adventure vacation or one of a few zillion microwave ovens) was to "affix"—all official sweepstakes letters use this word—affix the gold seal to the red star on sweepstakes entry ticket number two, I decided to write a sweepstakes story. A sweepstakes story is this: it offers a chance to win a prize to each and everyreaderwho finishes it! THISISNOT A JOKE, MR./MS. READER! THIS IS AN ACTUALCONTEST! If you finish reading this story, you will have an actual chance to win A Sweepstakes Story /3/ an actual prize. And if you want to know what that prize is, and how to win it, you only need to read on. First, let me note that most sweepstakes entries ask you to purchase something. My sweepstakes makes no such suggestion . Of course, if you want to send money to the author as a tax deductible contribution to the arts, no objection will be raised and your sweepstakes entry will not be prejudiced in any way. Most sweepstakes entries also promise fabulous benefits from buying their products. The letter I read this morning, for example, promised that if I subscribed to the publication sponsoring the sweepstakes I would receive information on how to save money on phone bills, college tuition and home insulation; preparebetter, low-calorie, low-cholesterol,flavorful meals using real food; lose weight and become a sex object in my neighborhood; decide whether a career in forestry or computers is best for me; improve my marital sex life—the word marital was printed in boldfaced type, as if to emphasize that unmarried people should not read the article or even think about being married until they are alreadymarried; earn promotion and respect in my present job; laugh my way to better health; have a greener lawn and fatter tomatoes in only minutes a day and without using expensive chemicals; raise my children in a drug-free environment on updated Confucian principles; and . . .much more. The letter also claimed that by reading the publication advertised I would understand why we need to be less hard on polluters and shoot Democrats on sight; why General Noriega is really an American patriot in the broadest sense; why pets, especially dogs, deserve to have as many constitutional rights as people,- why it is the right of every American citizen to own bazookas and antiaircraftweapons; why automated tele- 132 Ghost Traps phone merchandising is a cure for the loneliness of the elderly; why Dan Quayle can't break 100 on the golf course and how America's heart goes out to him for that; how Millie had her puppies and other White House insider reports; how the Pentagon is just scraping by on a measly trillion-dollar budget— the promised article is titled "Military Belt-Tightening: Ow! Ow! and More Ow!"; and why we should let the prisoners worry about overcrowdingin jails since they are the ones who got themselves arrested in the first place; . . . and much more! As this piece of mine is only a simple tale, however, my sweepstakes cannot honestly make all these claims. The story can only do its best to make us healthier, wiser, safer, smarter, richer, sexier, richer, happier, younger, more productive, more pious, and more powerful. I know that some of you will object —but please, don't throw the story down!—that some stories make us feel sad, are written by Democrats or atheists, have existential overtones, contemplate death, dishonor, destruction , corruption...