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124 In remembrance. The decision to die was secret. We did not know how to interpret the changes in Joel that we observed. Richard and I saw surface differences but did not properly attach the changes to their cause. Joel derived pleasure in keeping his secret, sheltering it, pleased to see that no one knew what alone he knew. Perverse though it may seem, Joel assumed a larger degree of control in deciding his affairs in death than he did in life. Death did not overtake him or surprise him. He authored its ending. It is not the ending I would have written. I choose to remember Joel. Even though he did his best to die in an empty corner, to write over his life with suicide, I refuse to erase his name from love’s ledger. ...

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