At-Risk

Held

held Kim knew better than to ask for a favor while her mother’s shows were on. Her mother sat on the love seat, positioned directly in front of the tv, with newspaper spread out across her lap. She was peeling potatoes to make french fries, routinely dropping peelings onto the newspaper without ever looking at her hands or the knife. She kept her eyes glued on the television, watching Hawaii Five-O. She ignored Kim. When Kim crossed in front of the tv, her mother didn’t even blink. All she said was, “You not made of glass.” “Ma, please?” Kim whined. “She’s your only granddaughter.” Kim’s mother turned to face her. She was still young. Thirty-five. But she was the mother of three and her face showed it. “Don’t even look at me like that,” her mother said. “I already told you no. Don’t make me repeat myself.” Ever since she’d had the baby, Kim had been expecting something different from her own mother. Something more along the lines of guidance and advice. She expected her mother to give her pointers and tips, to provide free babysitting, to help her along as if she was Held | 123 an apprentice learning under a master. She hadn’t expected the quiet censure her mother gave off without trying, the way she prefaced everything she said to Kim with “Now that you’re a mother” or “Now that you think you grown.” That was before she realized that her mother was most likely just jealous of her. After all, she had gotten her figure back quickly and naturally without having to exercise. She had rubbed cocoa butter onto her swollen belly every day of her pregnancy once her friend told her about it, and now she had no stretch marks. Kim had seen her mother walking around the house in a bra and slip, had seen the light brown streaks across her stomach stretching like a hand upwards towards her breasts. No wonder she was jealous. A loud cry came from the bedroom Kim shared with her younger sister. Her mother looked past her to the television and said, “You better go see to the baby. I don’t know why you left her alone in there with only Asha anyway.” Kim didn’t run; the baby was always crying and it was never over anything important. She crossed the crowded bedroom, walking past the two twin beds and toward the baby’s crib, stepping over Asha, who was lying on the floor reading comic books, oblivious. “What happened?” Kim asked her. “What’d you do?” “Nothing.” Asha looked up from her comic book. She had the look of her father about her, deep brown skin and owlish eyes. “What did Ma say?” “What you think?” “Told you.” “Shut up.” Kim looked down at the baby. She was lying on her back, staring up at Kim as she cried, naked except for her diaper. “When are you gonna do my hair?” Asha asked. Her thick hair was wild around her head, making her look like she’d just woken up. 124 | Held “Later.” “You already said that twice today.” “I’m saying it again,” Kim said, looking down at the baby without really seeing her, her eyes blurring with tears. Let either of her two sisters need something, and her mother would no doubt break her neck falling all over herself. But let Kim ask for one little thing, and all of a sudden it was a federal case. “Why she gotta be like that?” she whispered. “Who?” Asha asked. “Be like what?” “Mind your business,” Kim said. “Does she need to be changed?” Asha shrugged, turning the page. “Do I look like her nanny?” “Don’t get smart.” Kim rolled her eyes. She couldn’t figure out how such a small infant could be so loud. She reached into the crib and tugged gently on the baby’s fat brown leg. “Come on, now. Stop crying,” she begged the infant. “Shush, baby. Hush now for Mommy?” “I’m trying to read here,” Asha said. “Shut up,” Kim snapped, checking the baby to see if maybe she was wet. The baby was dry and well fed. Kim didn’t know why she got like this, why she cried for no reason. And she didn’t know what to do to make her stop...