Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

D

V Dad, n. A father whom his vulgar children do not respect. Dado, n. Anything decorative for which the aesthetes know no better name. Damn, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have beena term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity . Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, becauseit so frequently occurs in combination with the word/0^ or god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that I should advancean opinion conflictingwith that of either ofthese formidable authorities. Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but allthose requiring the participation of the two sexes havetwocharacteristics in common: they areconspicuously innocent, and warmlyloved by the vicious. Dandle, v.t. To set an unresisting child upon one's knee and jolt its teeth loose in a transport of affection. A grown girl may be similarly outraged, but her teeth being more firmly secure, there can be no object in doing so, and the custom is ameremechanicalsurvivalof ahabit acquired bypracticeon babes and sucklings. If you care not for the scandal You can hold a girl and dandle Her upon your knee allnight; But the game's not worth the candle— When 'tis played by candle light. But whene'er you feel the yearning, And the candle isn't burning— Or at least not very bright, Then the little gameconcerning Which I sing isvery quite. Dandy, n. One who professes a singularity of opinion with regard to his own merits, accentuating his eccentricitywith his clothes. Danger, n. A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takeshimself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. AmbatDelaso. Daring, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security. Darling, n. The bore of opposite sexin an early stage of development. Datary, n. A high ecclesiasticofficial of the Roman Catholic Church, whoseimportant function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words Datum Roma. He enjoys a princelyrevenueand the friendship of God. Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed allthe others who have tried it. Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of socialactivity overlap. Dead, adj. Done with the work of breathing; done With allthe world; the mad race run Through to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! Squatoljohnes. Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestlypursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtakeit. Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfoldshim; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : 49 Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might aswell havepaid it. Barlow S. Vode. Decalogue, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensiveto have more. No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break. Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. Work not on Sabbath daysat all, But go to seethe teams...