Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

T

T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdlycalled tan. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." Table d'Hote, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility . Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there deliriouslyfed As fast as he was able. "I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, "You're in your table d'hotage." Associated Poets. Tail, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its fcetal state, Man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as aproduct of an imagination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan past. Take, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. Talk, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. Tariff, n. A scaleof taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State. "It were no more than right," said he, "That I should get my fuel free. The duty, neither just nor wise, Compels me to economize— Whereby my broilers, every one, Are execrably underdone. What would they have?—although I yearn To do them nicely to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat. This tariff makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All rascals may at will invade: Beneath my nose the publicpress Outdoes me in sulphureousness; The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly)to refuse To me my fair and rightfulprey And keep their own in shapeto pay; The preachersby exampleteach What, scorning to perform, I preach; And statesmen, aping me, allmake More promises than they canbreak. Against such competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since allignore my just complaint, By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints, began at once to bawl Against hiscompetition; so There was a devil of a go! They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate, 224 : THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, Had hopes of coming by theirown. That evil to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; But since 'twere wicked to relax A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 'Twas finally agreed to grant The bold Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual Hell. Edam Smith. Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slanderin having accused his neighbor of murder. His exactwords were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only aninference. Tedium, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source—the first words of the ancient Latin hymn TeDeum Laudamm. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens. Teetotaler, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making...