Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

L

Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Lace, n. A delicate and costly textile fabric with which the female soul is netted like a fish. Lacteal Fluid, n. (Reporterese.) Milk. Lady, n. A vulgarian's name for a woman. A Lieutenant-Governor of California and Wardenof the State Prison once reported the number ofprisoners under his care as "931 males and 27 ladies." Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some havethe right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized . It follows that if the whole area of termfirma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no placefor D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. A life on the oceanwave, A home on the rolling deep, For the sparkthat naturegave I havethere the right to keep. They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for the flashing brine— I'm a natural commodore! Dodk. Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. Laocoon, n. A famous piece of antique sculpture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have beenjustlyregarded asone of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia. Lap, n. One of the most important organs of the female system—an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in ruralfestivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males.The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare. Lapidate, v.t. To rebukewith stones. St. Stephen, for example,waslapidated like a Chinaman. Lamented St. Steve, What Christian cangrieve For the waythat you came to your death? For the monument fair Of memorial stones Was reared in the air O'er your honored bones Ere yet you'd relinquished your breath. No doubt asyour soul exhaled You were thanked by resolution; For the builders' design had failed Except for your execution. Last, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget hislast And hear your own. Gargo Kef sky. Latitudinarian, n. In Theology, a miscreant who does his thinking at home instead of putting it out.He is regarded by the priesthood and clergywith the same aversion that a barber feels for the man who shaveshimself. Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied byinarticulate noises. It isinfectious and, thoughintermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals—these being not only inaccessible to the provocation ofhisexample, but impregnableto the microbeshaving original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to the instantaneous fermentation of sputa 146 : THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens. Laureate, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting asdancing skeleton at everyroyal feast and singing-mute at everyroyalfuneral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic colorsense which enabled him so to blackena public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. Laurel, n. The la-urns, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had...