Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

E

Eat, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not sayI waseating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined anhour before." Eavesdrop, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free— The subject engaging them was she. "I think," said one, "and myhusband thinks That she's aprying, inquisitive minx!" As soon asno more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with apout, "To hear my character lied about!" Gopete Shemny. Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate theirincapacity. Economy, n. Purchasing the barrelof whisky that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. Edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snaketo apig, apig to a man and aman to a worm. Editor, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and ^Eacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severelyvirtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thun- ders of admonition till he resemblesa bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay,soft asthe cooing of adonkey intoning its prayerto the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and sixlines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos. O, the Lord of Lawon the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he. Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown isbrass, Himself an ass, And his power isfiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's camp-follower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected, Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! J. H. Bumbleshook. Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lackof understanding. Effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other—which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog. Efferous, Effigiate, EfHagitate, Effodient, Effossion. See some other dictionary. Ego, n. I—the Latin form of the word. The Romans were afflicted with an impediment in their speech, and that was as good a stagger as they could make at it. Kings and editors get a little nearer to the true pronunciation; they say "We." Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with allhis credentialscame THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : 63 To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said: "Go away, for we settle here All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have,when the speakerdemands To be told how everymember stands, A man who to allthings under thesky Assents byeternally voting T." Ejection, n. An approved remedyfor the disease ofgarrulity. It isalsomuch used in cases of extremepoverty. Elected, adj. Chosen to discharge one duty and a hundred subordinates. Electioneer, v.i. To stand on a platform and screamthat Smith is a child of light and Jones aworm of the dust. Elector, n...