Grace, Fallen from

Light on Four Sides

27 LIGHT฀ON฀FOUR฀SIDES฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀ ฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀—Chicago,฀1975 ฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀฀ I฀always฀say:฀฀light฀on฀four฀sides. I฀always฀say:฀฀amazing฀dreams฀there฀too. In฀fact,฀count฀six฀rooms,฀that฀ corner฀apartment,฀Granville crossing฀Lakewood,฀eight฀blocks฀from฀the฀water,฀ third฀floor฀so฀we฀could฀ overlook฀things:฀฀our฀sadness—no,฀not sadness฀yet.฀฀Our฀hopelessness—no,฀we฀had a฀small฀porch.฀฀The฀fourth฀side opened฀out฀back,฀a฀porthole฀of฀light to฀the฀up-down-sideway fire฀escape,฀someone’s฀laundry฀there฀like฀birds฀ about฀to฀wingspan฀off,฀and฀old฀men฀ driven฀out฀to฀their฀pipes฀ and฀cigars.฀฀Exquisite฀loneliness on฀a฀summer฀night.฀฀There฀are฀joys฀ you฀keep฀to฀yourself. I฀was฀always฀sleeping฀too฀much in฀that฀place.฀฀Because฀to฀sink฀down฀into฀its฀depth was฀to฀find฀things.฀฀The฀end฀of฀the฀world,฀ for฀instance.฀฀I฀did.฀฀I฀dreamt฀its฀shrieks฀ one฀night.฀฀I฀dreamt฀its฀tears.฀฀It฀was฀there a฀woman฀stopped฀me,฀looking฀everywhere฀ but฀at฀me—I’ve฀led฀a฀good฀life,฀haven’t฀I?฀ haven’t฀I?—kept฀on,฀kept almost฀screaming.฀฀But฀everyone฀ was฀about฀to฀scream or฀screaming.฀฀And฀I฀waited฀there,฀ that฀ticking฀quiet฀right฀ before฀panic฀floods.฀฀I฀could฀ feel฀its฀rise—keeping฀it฀down,฀slow,฀to฀hold฀on,฀ thinking,฀no,฀I฀am฀invisible,฀I฀am฀ no฀one,฀I฀am฀not฀here,฀I’m dreaming,฀for฀god’s฀sake.฀฀Then฀so฀ abruptly,฀so฀sucked฀in—was฀it฀even฀ 28 a฀thought?—the฀world has฀ended฀before.฀฀(I฀swear฀to฀this,฀ to฀all฀dreams,฀the฀way฀they฀startle฀ and฀stay฀and฀enter฀the฀body฀ as฀oxygen฀carried฀in,฀to฀carry฀off฀ such฀dark).฀฀What฀does฀one฀do when฀the฀world฀ends?฀฀Such฀a฀question,฀ so฀rational,฀so฀bloody฀British฀in฀the฀old-movie฀ matter-of-fact฀way.฀฀But฀it฀calmed฀me.฀฀It฀did.฀฀ Something฀to฀do฀now.฀฀How฀we฀think we฀manage,฀all฀that฀next฀and฀next.฀฀Bury฀the฀books! It฀came฀to฀me.฀฀Really,฀I฀had฀nothing to฀do฀with฀it.฀฀The฀thought฀flashed,฀it฀burned in฀my฀head:฀฀you฀bury฀the฀god-damn฀books!฀฀ (Forgive฀this฀line฀with฀chalk I’m฀drawing.฀฀Forgive฀this฀story.)฀ The฀city฀library?฀฀I฀ran฀there.฀฀ In฀the฀dream฀I฀mean.฀฀I฀ran฀ to฀its฀rubble฀and฀ash.฀฀Gone!฀฀And฀still smoking.฀฀Still฀some฀feeble flame.฀฀So฀I฀found another฀way,฀near฀that฀distant heaving,฀the฀lake, its฀shine฀oblivious฀to฀the฀end of฀anything—or฀its฀beginning,฀for฀that฀matter,฀ —this฀blue฀gray฀given฀of฀my฀childhood,฀ of฀anyone’s฀rush฀and฀release.฀฀Only฀I฀wasn’t for฀a฀minute฀original.฀฀Already฀they฀were฀at฀it— whoever฀they฀were—in฀a฀line฀from฀library฀door to฀graveyard฀beside฀it.฀฀(Forget฀real฀ typography.฀฀Forget฀there฀never฀was a฀graveyard.)฀฀That฀library,฀in฀or฀out฀of฀dream,฀ on฀rocks,฀the฀lake’s฀silver,฀gritty฀edge,฀ built฀for฀Mundelein,฀the฀Catholic฀college฀ my฀mother฀hoped hopelessly฀I’d฀choose.฀฀Those฀human shadows—dutiful,฀quick—digging฀up฀ 29 coffins,฀lifting฀them฀from฀their฀concrete฀ encasements—is฀that฀what฀they’re฀called?— for฀books.฀฀To฀bury฀the฀books!฀฀Of฀course. And฀the฀rest฀of฀us?฀฀Us.฀฀For฀now฀I฀had฀quietly stepped฀into฀line฀and฀did฀what฀any฀ lost฀creature฀might฀do,฀dumbly,฀with฀passion:฀฀I฀took the฀book฀given฀me฀and฀passed฀it to฀the฀next฀outstretched฀hand.฀฀And฀the฀book฀ after฀that฀and฀the฀book฀after฀that฀ and฀so฀on฀and฀so฀on,฀deep฀into฀dream฀ and฀beyond฀it,฀to฀this฀remembering right฀now:฀฀everything฀stacked฀and฀lowered to฀be฀safe—the฀generous and฀the฀silly,฀the฀wise,฀the฀small,฀even฀books฀ with฀their฀one฀thought฀fanned฀ too฀many฀pages,฀a฀trick฀of฀love฀and฀dogged฀ concentration.฀฀Zane฀Gray฀and฀Aquinas,฀Whitman฀ and฀Whittier฀and฀Cather,฀Lewis฀Thomas฀so฀his฀ Lives฀of฀a฀Cell฀would฀live฀ somewhere฀contained,฀multiplying฀ as฀we฀moved฀through฀whatever฀ awful฀light.฀฀That’s฀the฀odd฀thing:฀฀vapid฀ next฀to฀beautiful,฀neighbor฀ to฀humble฀to฀glibly฀holding฀forth฀ to฀forget฀everything!฀฀to฀ forget฀whatever’s฀left.฀฀No฀matter,฀ I฀told฀myself,฀no฀matter—all฀of฀it the฀spirit฀life฀lifted฀ hand฀to฀hand,฀set฀down฀to฀be cherished,฀to฀be฀kept฀dark.฀฀ We฀were฀sweating฀and฀squinting฀and฀not฀ one฀of฀us฀spoke.฀฀None฀of฀us.฀฀That’s฀it,฀ that’s฀all฀I฀have.฀฀I฀mean happiness฀so฀deeply฀ surprises—not฀no฀turned฀yes,฀past what฀to฀do,฀world฀ending฀ as฀it฀does.฀฀And฀it฀will.฀฀But฀this฀thing฀ 30 so...