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186 / Chapter 13 doubts with Anne, the main question being, Did these people actually serve in the battle for Outpost Harry? I wondered who would be at the meeting; I had never met anyone who knew anything about the outpost since leaving Korea in 1953. En route, I just about turned around and headed back home. I knew that whoever these people were, they had not really been on Outpost Harry in June 1953. I was sure my wife and I were going to be disappointed. Nevertheless, we kept driving to Fort Stewart and were very glad we did. The combat veterans I met really did know about Outpost Harry and had fought there. Finally I had found some men I could communicate with, knowing they knew what had happened there. These warriors had had the same combat experiences I lived through. It was a wonderful and emotional meeting of old combat veterans. In addition, I could easily communicate with the veterans who had not actually been on Outpost Harry but had seen the battle. They understood what I said, and I very much appreciated what they did to support us. While meeting at Fort Stewart, this group of eleven veterans formed an organization called the Outpost Harry Survivors Association (OPHSA). We have met yearly since 1992. I had never consciously accepted the fact that I had any type of post-Korea problems, but my conversations with other Outpost Harry veterans led me to question myself. Someone asked me if I had ever been to the Veterans Affairs Clinic, and I responded that I had not. They encouraged me to do so, and, of course, I refused to accept their advice. Being hardheaded, I knew nothing was wrong with me. However, I began to realize that keeping my memories suppressed was becoming more difficult and my dreams were becoming more disturbing . I decided to investigate what the VA could offer to someone like me. Finally, sometime in 1993 I went to the VA and met a counselor named Bill Sautner in the Orlando Vet Center office. Bill made me face several things. First, he explained that most combat soldiers have some level of post-combat stress and that I am not unusual. However, he said, because of the intense level of combat I experienced, I may have a greater mental injury. The injury had been with me since Korea and would tend to become more dramatic the older I get, he said. Bill also told me that the VA conducts counseling sessions and can explain techniques that would help me cope. He was willing to work with me whenever I wanted his help. After my meeting with Bill, I couldn’t accept his analysis that my experiences in Korea had always been with me and were still with me, affecting my decisions. I didn’t meet with him again for about two years. Finally, after a lot of soul searching, I realized that maybe Bill was right. Why did I survive when others hadn’t? Did I do all that I could that night on Harry, or did I miss something ? Could I have been a better leader and saved more lives? These questions Coming Home / 187 have plagued me for years, and I still don’t know the answers. And, as Bill said, I never will. Bill Sautner evaluated me, as did three VA physicians, and after consultations, we all concluded that I needed some help. Through Bill’s urging , I started to meet with him for individual counseling and with other Korean War veterans in group sessions. I had been trained not to develop close friends in the army, because if a friend were killed, my effectiveness as an officer would be diminished. Although it may be a good policy for combat, restricting close relationships is not such a good policy in the civilian world. The military training a returning veteran has received may be a reason why he sometimes has trouble making friends. As I reflected with Bill on my professional career after Outpost Harry, I recalled many instances where my subconscious barrier had prevented close professional and personal friendships. For years, my reluctance to talk about my combat experiences was due to my fear of being misunderstood, misjudged, and allowing the memories to resurface. I was concerned that no one would believe my wild tales of handto -hand trench warfare. Not until I met with the fellow veterans of Outpost Harry did I discuss or reveal...

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