The Marengo Jake Stories: The Tales of Jake Mitchell and Robert Wilton Burton

An Eating Match: Long Tom Rumpless and Pervidin' Elder Hollerhorn

AnEatingMatch Long Tom Rumpless and Pervidin' Elder Hollerhorn M'RINGER JAKE RECALLS AN INCIDENT OF EARLY FREEDOM-A WONDERFUL CLERICAL BATTLE AT THE TABLE Some one intimated that Jake had a phenominal [sic] appetite, whereupon the gentleman from Marengo defended himselfin words as follows: "'Tain't no wonder Auburn folks makes a miration w'en dey sees me a eatin', caze I was raised down dar in M'ringer whar d'is always plenty 0' 'visions an' victuals layin' 'roun loose, an' folks do'nt hatter go ha'f starved. No, sahree, de chillun down dar dey're always fat and sassy. Dey looks like dey been wash in pot liquor every day 0' dey lives, dey're dat greasy. W'en dey mammie's feeds em dey don't hatter run de yard stick down dey thoats an' medger em [t]o fine out zackly what dey'll hole. De folks up yer does dat way, and dey low dey're doin' mighty well ef dey des but fill dey chillun ha'f full wonst a day. Hit's a fack, sah. Dat's how come dey don't eat much. Dey ain't usened to it. Ef a man's usened to anything he's mo'n ap' to like it, caze he don't know no better. Efdey was 172 / An Eating Match to eat a good square meal dey stomachs 'ud be stonish, an' dey'd die wid de cramp colic. Down dar in M'ringer chillun larns how to eat, an' time dey're grown dey is some account. Dey got de strenk to do any kine 0' work. "I'm right smart swunk up sence I come up yer on dese old rocky hills. Dat's how come I can't eat no mo. Some 0' dese yer locus preachers 'roun' yer kin outeat me yit, let lone of a circus rider. But den, you know, preachers always does eat mo'n yuther folks, caze dat's de main part 0' dey business . Dey grub don't cos 'em nothin', an' dey goes for hit viegrous. You see 'em passin' 'bout an' knockin' 'roun', and dey always looks like dey're studyin' 'bout de sarment whar dey gwine to preach nex' Sunday. But don't you trus' date Dey look like dey got dey 'fections fix' up in heb'n all de time, but you des but let a yaller-laig chicken come 'long, an' I lay dey'll see it. Dey will dat, an dey'll 'member whar dat chicken stay at too. Dey calls me a big eater caze I kin wrop myselfroun' a tolerble good size chunk 0' middlin' meat an' 'bout sebenteeen biscuits an' a pot 0' greens, but efdey was to see a M'ringer preacher eat, dey'd wonder how I could live on dat little. "Soon atter freedom come out dey was a man down dar in M'ringer name 0' Tom whar use to b'long to Mr. Rumpless. Dey called him Long Tom Rumpless 'caze he was so tall. An he was holler plum to de een 0' his toes, too, mono Des soon's he foun' out he was free dat nigger up an' lowed he been to heb'n and he been to hell w'ilst he was sleep, an' he yeared a voice whar nobody else yeared callin' him. An' not only dat, he knowed he was called to preach 'caze de chickens was scared w'en he came 'bout. "Well, sah, hit's a sho fack, de chickens on Mr. Rumpless' plantation did take to roostin' a right smart higher'n dey use to[.] Dey clum up to de highes' lim' ever' time dey year dat An Eating Match / 173 nigger holler. I knows, 'caze I was right dar. Tom was de feeder, an' I yeared him callin' de hogs ever evenin' 0' dis worl'. I reckon dat how come I got so much aligion, I live so long right under de gospel soun'. "Mr. Rumpless 'lowed he speck Tom ud make a good [pr]eacher, caze he was made right, he could holler loud ez de next un, an' nobody dassent try to eat 'gin him. "Hit warn't long fo' Tom quit feedin' hogs an' 'mence to ride de circus. He rid her afoot mostly[.] Everywhars he went de price 0' chickens r[i]z. He was...