A Burnt Child: A Novel

A Letter to an Island in Autumn

157 A Letter to an Island in Autumn Beloved! I’ve done what we’ve agreed upon, and I’ll be coming to the island soon. I didn’t enjoy doing it, but I knew I had no other choice. It was harder to forge the draft papers than I thought. In fact, making your telegram was much easier. Of course, I just took an old one and found a new envelope and stamp; the hardest part was changing the date. I didn’t need to go to so much trouble, after all, because Knut hardly looked at it. He just found it a bit strange that I was being called up for military service now, but he was convinced when I reminded him of the four weeks that I got off last year for my studies. I can assure you that it’s quite painful to have to deceive him like this. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever forged anything, and I’ll never become a great forger—this much is certain. My conscience is much too delicate for that. And as soon as the draft papers served their purpose, I burned them up and blew the ashes out the window. It wasn’t until then that I started to feel a little better. 158 A Letter to an Island But I won’t truly be at peace until I’m with you again. If I only had the words to convey to you the indescribable peace you give me, what you mean to me, and the infinite significance you have added to my life!! For the first time in my life, I understand what it means to really love someone. This means that I can never be truly alone because you are constantly in my thoughts. Whatever I do and wherever I am, you are always there. If you only knew how happy this makes me, and how happy I can make others because of it. As you know, Berit has returned. As we agreed, I see her fairly often—much more than before. Our relationship is much better now than it has ever been. I no longer get annoyed with her bad habits, and since I no longer need to feel myself bound to her, I don’t feel the need to hurt her like I did before. This has been quite good for her, in fact. She doesn’t constantly burst into tears, and she seldom has headaches. Of course, she thinks I love her like never before, and why shouldn’t I let her believe it? If you can make someone glad and happy by simply refraining from confessing every single thing you think or do, then I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t. To downright lie is an entirely different matter. But it won’t hurt her in the least if she doesn’t know. If anyone should be hurt, it should be me, but I’m intelligent enough to be able to differentiate between real duplicity, which aims to harm people, and a smart moderation of the so-called truth, whose only goal is to make life easier for everyone involved. You will forgive me if this becomes a longer, and as you will probably notice, more philosophical letter than the ones you’re otherwise used to, but the fact is that I feel the steps I’m taking are important enough to me that I really have to analyze my situation thoroughly, so that we can both spend the time we have together in peace and quiet. You see, there’s nothing more dangerous than not knowing what you are doing. Most people don’t, and that’s why it’s often a dreadful shock for them when they are one day forced to define their actions. In their subsequent fear from this shock, they lose any chance of seeing 159 A Letter to an Island reality as it really is, and instead they see a grotesque distortion. This is precisely why it’s so important to be clearly aware, at every moment of your life, of what your actions imply and the consequences they can have. This is why I also devote myself with almost scientific fervor to analyzing our mutual actions. To deceive others isn’t pretty, but to deceive yourself is dangerous. I’ve thought a lot about...