On the Run in Siberia

9. The Curse

141 9 the curse The danger of desperately clinging to one single goal is the disappointment felt once it is achieved. This is how it is with our return to Nelemnoye. For far too long, I have been completely consumed by the desire to escape from the wilderness and get back to the village, back to people and civilization. During meals in the taiga, my longing for the luxury goods of the village—vodka, chocolate, and cookies—became an uncontrollable desire. When I walked alone in the woods, I fantasized that the larch trees transformed into young village women in elegant leather boots and stylish outfits. During my dreams at night, they came to me undressed . My thoughts were constantly, restlessly driven toward the village. In my head, Nelemnoye has become synonymous with inconceivable pleasure and comfort, which the wretched little village obviously does not live up to in real life. Just the encounter with the dire routines of village life knocks me out completely. Nothing happens , and then even less of the same. Time evaporates relentlessly in the monotony. Boring, damned boring. Before long I am sleeping most of the days away. At night, I hang out with Peter and some of the other young hunters, eagerly trying to drown their boredom in booze. We are not drinking vodka, but “Royal,” 99 percent pure alcohol, which we mix with water. It previous: The main street of Nelemnoye. facing: A young Yukaghir woman. 142 . the curse is the cheapest and most common drink in Siberia, an everyman’s drink. I have moved into a modest room so that Ivan no longer controls how I spend my days. I do not see much of Yura or Sinitskiy, either. They are busy with their families. I consider going to Zyryanka and then back to Denmark, but I quickly abandon that plan. At first, I convince myself that I still need to collect ethnographic data, but I soon realize that I am still mentally trapped in the wilderness. The thought of the big city with its crowds of people, sounds, and smells scares me to death. Besides, civilization’s values, money, career, and bourgeois marriage have clearly become questionable to me—to such an extent that I have to regularly drink myself out of my senses to repress the gnawing conflict in my mind: Should I go all the way, turn my back on civilization, and settle down permanently as a hunter here among the Yukaghirs? . . . One night, when I am mildly drunk, I let my tongue run away with me, throwing out a snide remark about the Shalugin family: “Kolya and his fat wife have done nothing but try and squeeze money out of me ever since I met them.” Peter and the other hunters laugh loudly. I do not even notice Shalugin’s son Maksim, who is standing in a corner and hears everything . Grim-faced, he leaves the room, while I stagger home to my room and climb into my sleeping bag under the stretched-out mosquito net. During the night, I am woken by the bang of my door being kicked open. I almost automatically raise my hands above my sleeping bag, clenching my fists. A few seconds later, the mosquito net is torn away, and I catch a glimpse of Maksim with a knife in his hand, yelling, “You devil!” He does not manage to say any more before I hammer my fist into his face. He falls over on his back. I jump out of bed, lift him up, and whack him again. “Have you had enough?” I yell. He mumbles something incomprehensible, and I smell the alcohol on his breath. I grab his shirt collar, drag him to the door, and fling him out onto the street. Then I slam the door, which can now no the curse . 143 longer be locked. I pull out a vodka bottle from under the bed, take a series of big gulps, and lie down again. After about twenty minutes, Maksim kicks the door in again, this time armed with a shotgun. When a violent event suddenly occurs while you happen to be quite inebriated, it can be difficult to remember the exact sequence of events, even though each of them stands out quite clearly in your memory. I remember getting out of bed in utter confusion. Maksim raises the gun and aims. “This is the end,” I...