Smiling in Slow Motion

FEBRUARY

FEBRUARY Monday 1 No sign of HB in the night. I forgot he told me he was not returning till this evening, so my sleep was restless, full of haunted imaginings about what could have happened to him. I am absolutely dependent upon his livinghere. He will joke I just want my clothes pressed, but at three a.m. I decided that I could not live without him. In the morning one of his lovely cards arrived with hugs and kisses - he always sends me one whenever he leaves Phoenix House, even when we go somewhere together he manages to post one without me seeing it, so I find it in the heap of letters on the floor when we return. The Bar Italia collapsed during the night, dust and dozens of workmen, Antonio at the door redirecting traffic. I went across the road where a board said: 'Best cappuccino in London - Time Out'.The journalist whowrote this must have left their taste buds in the office, no one will beat Aurelia. Bar Italia will reopen. Met John Anthony who takes photographs of nude fluffers for magazines. He gave me a photo of the sauna in Budapest full of naked boys. He has a new studio in Old Compton Street, which was raided last week by the boys in blue. [Editor's note: No pornographic material was found] Marvin [Black] and Simon [Fisher Turner] at Bertaux's. We went up to Jan's, he played the Satie for Blue. We had a full house, with Gaston from the Florence opera. Colin bemoaned the fate of cinema, he said it was increasingly difficult to fund anything: the TV companies had retired from the fray, C4 and theBBC seemed to have been submerged by the imperatives of monetarism, the sixties were the last golden decade. 305 SMILING IN SLOW MOTION Americans consider the most conservative aspects of British life an Adventure, so the Royal National approach is a safe risk. This was confirmed again today by an apoplectic newsletter from Louisiana denouncing Edward II - accusing me of deliberately making a film for homophobes, of naivete. Even the tongue-in-cheek 'improved by' was taken quite literally as was 'take an old play and violate it'. There never was any structure to put cinema like mine on an even course with other foreign films. My audience in the States arrived fifteen years too late and only after Gus Van Sant had been so supportive and had his successes. I'm writing this as I prepare to go to the BBCto record a Face to Face with Jeremy Isaacs - who has always been a staunch supporter of myfilms.I am nervous as I expect this is the last time I will appear on TV and I want to convey some of the fun of my life and less of the gloom and doom. The balance I have achieved in Wittgenstein much more clearly reflects my situation than Edward II or, for that case, Caravaggio - if torture crept into my life it was with the HIV and nowhere else. Everything was resolved when that stone was cast into the near tranquillity I had found - after that it was a roller-coaster with death and dissolution. I do hope I don't appear as washed out as I feel; thank God for the make-up lady between me and the lens. Good interview with Jeremy. It was difficult at moments. I find myself hesitating on the questions of sex on the Heath. How anonymous is anonymous? A hornet's nest of taboo sex, HIV, casual partners, this is one you can't win. Ken's Ackerleyplay Prisoners of War very well done in the New End: a gang of military fluffers in a Swiss sanatorium, lusting after each other with a lack of language, though Ackerley's words are sharp and remind me of RAF Abingdon. Maria StJuste there. She said Jimmy Dean was a bore, always phoning to find out what Marlon Brando was up to. Maria got her chauffeur to drive HB and me back to Phoenix - HB embarrassed to get out of the stretched white limousine in case someone he knew saw him. Tuesday 2 Spent the morning signing hundreds of books - there won't be one without a signature. HB goes to work. He has to wear a pink and purple uniform like a packet of prawn cocktail crisps, designed to be so ugly that no one 306 [3.144.96.159...