Never Trust a Thin Cook and Other Lessons from Italy’s Culinary Capital

"The Poor Meatball!"

“The Poor Meatball!” Ifooled myself that I was going to support Katy by writing for the weekly newspaper and teaching a couple of English classes at Lord Arnold. Even though I’ve studied Italian and have already lived in northern Italy, Katy steps in and becomes known throughout Modena as the best English teacher around for bambini ages four to fourteen. People on the street ask Katy directions, believing she’s Italian, partially because she has a sense of style (compared to my holey jeans and purple socks) but also due to her brown hair. In spite of two years’ living in Italy, my blond hair and blue eyes give me away. Within a few weeks, Katy has figured out nearly as much about Italian culture as I did in all my time in northern Italy. Knowing only a few words of Italian, Katy schedules so many private, well-paid lessons that she has to turn some down. People I meet ask, “Tu sei il ragazzo della famosa Keti?” (Are you the boyfriend of the famous Keti?—they can never quite pronounce her name). Katy consoles me, “I never studied a spoken language, but I did take five quarters of sign language, which helps with Italian.” Her lessons turn out to be more difficult than expected, not because of the kids but the overly protective Italian mammas . The bossy mothers regularly phone to yell at her about any schedule changes and then try to make it all better by 38 giving her expensive little gifts. Some of the ultracompetitive mothers won’t even pass on Katy’s name and number to other moms who want lessons for their kids. After all, how can their kids get ahead if the other bambini have lessons with Katy as well? Part of being first is leaving others behind. Discipline is very important to Italian parents. One mother watches Katy teach and thinks she’s being too kind to the children. “You must be very strict with your students for them to learn. It’s OK if they start crying. Then you know you’re being hard enough on them.” After this lecture to Katy on how to be a rigid, humorless teacher with a class of bawling bambini, the mother asks, “Do you know the Pokémon song? The kids love to sing this song and play little games.” Apart from dubious pedagogical methods, most of the teaching materials available in Italy are questionable and tend to be very British, even if parents generally want their kids to learn American English. One book with a lesson for first-graders focuses on Scottish pubs: “What sort of drinks would they have? How do you order a pint?” Katy has only a few decent books, so she’s a regular at the photocopy shop. A new law passes in parliament that only 15 percent of any book can be copied at a time, so the woman at the copy shop has me watch out the front door for the photocopy police as Katy makes multiple copies. The shop is right next to the carabinieri office, but this police force is busy smoking cigarettes or piling five at a time into their Alfa Romeos to cruise the crowded streets. The copy shop clerk schemes a way to circumvent the law. She tells Katy to come back as many times as she needs to during the day; she just shouldn’t risk copying entire books at one session. Italian is pronounced exactly as it’s written, so teaching “The Poor Meatball!” 39 English pronunciation to bambini is difficult even with the best materials. High is pronounced “eeg,” “I go to . . . ” is read “eegotow,” and I is said as “hi.” Giving kids letter scrambles to rearrange into words inevitably ends with the kids trying to pronounce the mixed-up letters as shown. The kids are generally unconcerned when they say things incorrectly . Little Francesca says, “I’m swearing a cup,” rather than “I’m wearing a cap.” When Katy explains the difference , Francesca says in Italian, “English all just sounds the same anyway.” Words the kids do understand usually have a different meaning in English. While Katy is teaching two little eightyear -old boys, Mario and Dario, one of them pipes up, “‘Baby’ means ‘bambino’? Can it not also mean ‘Hey baby!’” he says looking as sexy as an eight-year-old can while trying to...