Mañana Means Heaven

Chapter 38.

211 38 The next evening she found herself, reluctantly, in front of his building. She sat on the curb across the street and glanced up at his window. She decided not to bother Walter or his dog by knocking on the door; instead, she just sat there. She noticed a dim light on. It was barely enough to illuminate the window, and she wondered if it had been there all along or not. When she convinced herself it had, she stood up and dusted the seat of her pants off and started up Colfax. Only once did she look back at the window, and when she did she realized, with all certainty, that had Jack’s face appeared in that moment, it might not have been what she wanted at all. Not anymore. She turned and hurried away, her breath unfurling in the air around her, racing back to the hotel. While she was unlocking the door to her room,the hotel manager appeared. “Where’s the rent?”The paunch of his gut thrust out. She opened the door and looked back at him. “I’ll have it tomorrow.” “I guess you’ll hafta wait ’til tomorrow for this letter too,”he said, waving an envelope in front of her. She set her purse down and pulled her wallet and counted out a few bills. “I’ll get you the rest tomorrow,” she said, waving the wad of money in his face. This satisfied him, and she took the letter from his grip and slammed the door behind her. It was from home. Lying on the bed, she tore it open and read: Dear Beatrice, I hope you are okay in Denver. The kids are doing fine but they miss you a lot, more than ever. Patsy cries a lot but mom holds her and cares for her. Little Al got into a fight with Freddy but he’s fine. I’m teaching him how to defend himself now because of it. Beatrice, they really need to hear from you. When you get this letter call us. Alex PS: Maybe you can send little Al a picture postcard of the snow falling? I bet this would cheer him up real good. 212 Because it was February, the end of the month had arrived sooner than she expected. That night she slept with the window curtains drawn back, so that just maybe, with a bit of luck, she’d wake up to a white world on the other side of the glass. At least this way she’d have something to tell little Albert about, next time she saw him. She couldn’t shake the image of his face from her mind. She pictured him, alone on his grandma’s porch, a sad frump, and it made her miserable. She worried about Patsy too. Once, when Patsy was only a few months old, Bea had left her with her parents, and upon returning the next day she found her little girl lying on the kitchen floor, rolling her body over a plate of mashed beans and rice.The image of it still tortured her, especially when she was so far away. It must’ve been one, maybe two in the morning when she rolled on her side and stared out the window at an empty sky. From her place on the second floor she could see the silhouettes of the Front Range jutting up like arrows pointing westward. She sat up in bed for an hour.The city was quiet. Not even the regular murmur of borrachos staggering down Colfax could be heard. She pulled the blankets up over her knees and chest, and suddenly, she felt a world away from everything. She needed to see the kids.They needed her. She was sure of it. And in that dark and solitary moment, fearful, she couldn’t help but wonder if all the damage she had done was irreparable. ...