The Education of Women and The Vices of Men: Two Qajar Tracts

2. Control Your Tongue

15 2 Control Your Tongue Guarding your tongue is important because the wound of the tongue is worse than the wound of the spear. The soul-taking sword cannot do What the tongue can inflict on man. The tongue has a strange impact, and it hurts worse than a sword’s slash. Women should not utter bitter words at all; how well the poet has said: Bitter words from sweet lips are not becoming Speak sweetly that is the best of all things.22 Her words should be well-chosen and soothing; With sweet words you can always win, With bitter words you only cause clamor and din.23 Wounding words never heal, and as long as you live, they will leave a scar. Foolish the person who says a thousand wrong words, excusing himself that in a war you do not hand out sweet treats. Yes, my lady, it is a fight, and in a fight [your opponents] won’t give sweet treats. In a fight, we use fists and feet, sticks and stones. But after the fight you cannot accept sweet treats from that wife, you cannot expect friendship. And you have to forget about your friendship. Whatever is said is imprinted on the table of your heart and like a festering sore is incurable. 16 The Education of Women Therefore, a wife should never utter a bitter word, and if she sees the husband in a bad temper, whether he be justified or not, she has to approach him as much as possible with kindness and softness to cool his temper. Good temper is like water on fire. Even if the fault was not hers, she should apologize and say, “I was wrong.” If to this she subtly adds a few masterly caresses, her husband will become ashamed. If the husband will not be ashamed that moment, surely he will be so later on and in this way will love her more. It is better to say, “I did bad; I was wrong,” than to stand up to the husband and raise up your hands and yell uncouth words at him and hear similar things from him that will ruin your relationship for years to come. The value of the wife is in the love for her husband, even if she is the daughter of a wealthy man and the man [who is her husband] a penniless stoker from the public baths. The more humility she shows, the better it is. If by chance her husband’s attitude does not change, she should excuse herself and go out until the atmosphere is changed. But she should not stay away long and should come back and try to make amends in whatever possible way. She should not utter a word that might create discord. To lift weights you need muscles. Great men have not been able to bear such a burden and have not been able to control their tongues. How then can women weak of heart and feeble in intelligence carry this load? At any rate, a woman who seeks love and affection and who does not want to cut this amicable relationship has to suffer bitterness and be patient and has to stop wagging her sharp tongue. It is better than fighting and battling, which have no result but regret. As they say, patience is bitter, but will bear sweet fruits. In anger, you may lose your self-control and may Control Your Tongue 17 utter bitter words that no needle can mend, and even if [husband and wife] make up, a trace of [this bitterness] will remain. There is no hope To repair a broken rope Without having a knot To mark its spot.24 The desired love is lost between them. The wife should not say, “My husband has said such and such thing, why should not I?” In not saying this, you will not be less of woman. Such thoughts are a sign of ignorance and a lack of decorum, and she will have distanced herself from her desired objective. Bid farewell to pleasure in a house Where the loud shouting is by the spouse.25 Not traveling is better that having tight shoes, The hazards of travel better than at home having woes.26 With this, how can love and friendship remain? When the wife quarrels with her husband, then this is enmity, not friendship . Even if there were reconciliation...