A Muslim Suicide

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355 12 I now spent three whole months living on tenterhooks, all the while recalling my own share of this lower world and displaying my fervent love for it. A little while later Abu Numa was able to give me the glad news that his envoy had been successful with Al-Mustansir: my wife would soon be leaving by ship along with pilgrims from Tangier and Granada. From now on, in my prayers and devotions my only request was that God would grant her a safe passage and spare her the travails and dangers of the journey itself. I began to recall the days of my life that I had spend in her care and protection; glowing images suffused my sight and soul, full of light and emitting wafts of perfume and beautiful garlands of flowers. Clasping those thoughts to myself all day long was enough to bolster my heart long enough to endure the trials of waiting. A month and a half went by. Such was my love for my wife and my yearning desire to see her again, she being mistress of my body and soul, that I counted the passage of time in heartbeats. I decided to bolster my patience by performing the minor pilgrimage and standing on the Mountain of Mercy, invoking all kinds of prayers that would engender a favorable response and good outcome. That is how I came to compose the Epistle at ‘Arafa, all of it in accordance with the statements of various schools and accepted traditions. For students I convened a number of sessions on the topic, in which I expounded on the work’s major themes and explained the work’s goals. I pointed out that the process of standing at ‘Arafa was a gesture of wisdom, not merely an act of worship. I summed up the whole thing by saying, “The day spent standing at ‘Arafa represents continuation of the relationship, severance of the appurtenances of causality, departure from the humiliation of pernicious phenomena, and entry into the higher world by means of essence. It is there that one glimpses the first signs of the ultimate, is exposed 356 | Bensalem Himmich to the fragrances of the good works of the one who gains cognizance so that he may perceive and be perceived.” The students made many copies of the Epistle and circulated it to pilgrims and people praying in the Great Mosque and at some of the entry gates. Some copies fell into the hands of the usual set of jurist pedants, who proceeded to read it with their feeble eyes and intellects, not to mention their poor and outmoded methodology. It managed, not surprisingly, to get on their nerves and provoke their extreme anger. They all went to see the governor to complain and showed him a copy of the Epistle, pointing out passages that they considered deviant and blasphemous. When the governor looked at the text for himself, he told them to stop disparaging a holy man of God. He likened them to someone whom I actually mention in the epistle itself, looking out on the world from a concave fortress so that all he can see is whatever is directly facing it. Hatred, the governor reminded them, only engenders troubles. He went on to suggest that they follow the path of tolerance rather than the opposite, of lofty goals rather than paltry ones. With that he sent them away, duly humbled. Someone whose information was entirely trustworthy shared this account with me, all of which only increased my admiration for the governor. With the arrival of the month of Rajab I was hoping dearly for the fulfillment of that amazing event, than which there could not be anything sweeter and dearer to my heart: to see my wife standing before me, to hug and kiss her and share those bonds of marriage that God and religion have declared permissible. During that month, never a day passed without my washing myself in either the Jamal al-din or the Mayyanshi baths, putting on some perfume, and donning my very best clothes. I would leave it to Ghaylan and Yasir to clean the house and prepare for my reunion with my wife. I would then hire a camel and head out of Mecca to the north toward the port of Jedda. There I would ask for the captain of the boat in which my wife was traveling. No one knew of his whereabouts. I kept on searching and making...