A Muslim Suicide

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73 11 So it came about that at noon on the first day of the month Rabi‘ al-Akhir I asked Salman to collect all my books and papers and put them in a box. I did not tell him I was intending to depart so as not to alarm him. I told him that I was leaving him in charge of the house for a few days while I went to Raquta. I mounted my mule and headed for my destination with a view to seeing my family and bidding them farewell in a spot that was less conspicuous. I used back streets to get there so as to avoid contact with the Christian soldiers in the suburbs of Murcia. The only people I encountered were Muslims heading out of town either alone or in groups. Between hills and vales I encountered beggars and itinerant clowns asking me for money, which I gave them to the extent possible . The weather was oppressive, almost as though it too felt the same degree of sorrow and fear as I did. Animals in their pens and fields looked lifeless and indolent, while even birds flying high or perched on tree branches seemed downcast and melancholy! A pall with octopus-like tentacles hung over an entire people, one that its rulers wanted to remain despised and obedient. Dear God, grant us all release or an end to this searing torture! When I arrived, my sister, Zaynab, greeted me with a hug and made me feel very welcome. She asked me what had happened to my horse, and I made a gesture that implied that it had either died or gone away. I in turn asked her about Maymuna. She gave a sigh, then invited me to sit down and partake of some of the food and drink laid out on the table. Thanking her, I took a drink. “She’s well, I hope?” I asked. “She’s well in body, my dear brother,” she replied, “but her heart . . . After your last stay here, she started visiting our Jewish neighbor, Rahil, and asking her 74 | Bensalem Himmich for some medicine to cure her condition. Rahil easily diagnosed her condition and confided in me.” I asked her to explain, but she paused for a while. She then whispered to me that the problem was a hopeless love, or that’s what the doctor called it. I asked her who the lucky beloved was. “I’ll say it,” she told me after s brief exasperated pause, “and leave the rest to God. The beloved is you, my brother. If you could only see what change and illness have done to her, you would cry.” As I brushed my hands against one another, my expression was one of complete astonishment. Up till now I had supposed that Maymuna’s love for me was related to a belief in God, but I found it hard to believe that she was in love with me to such an extent that she had become so ill. I asked my sister what I should do. “According to Rahil,” she replied, “the best thing, for the time being, is for you to visit the woman who is in love with you once or twice a month and make sure to treat her with love and affection. As to what happens after that, well, God alone is the sage dispenser . . .” At this point I was thinking about telling Zaynab that I was under orders to leave Spain and that I had paid her a visit in order to make sure she had enough to live on and to arrange her affairs before bidding her farewell. However I balked at the idea for fear of making things even worse. Instead I asked her to heat some water so that I could perform the obligatory prayers and then take a well-deserved rest. I slept heavily and reckon that I must have dreamed a lot of things. Next morning , however, all I could remember were a few snippets. I opened my eyes to see lights; there was Maymuna sitting by my knee, holding my right hand in hers and dropping hot tears on to them. As I sat up, I tried pulling my hand away, but failed. Was this really Maymuna or simply a specter? She was looking very pale and thin; her eyes were sunken and her lips looked dry and withered. Her hair was completely disheveled, and her clothes were torn and dirty...