Virginity Lost: An Intimate Portrait of First Sexual Experiences

7 Virginity Lost

Virginity Lost Physical health and emotional well-being represent central components of sexual health, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), former U.S. surgeon general David Satcher, and other leading authorities. As defined by the WHO in 2002: Sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental and social wellbeing related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.1 This definition informs my comparative analysis of the four metaphors through which people in my study made sense of virginity loss. By addressing approaches to virginity loss in terms of their effects on sexual health, I am moreover interrogating the assumption, codified in the federal government’s guidelines for sex education funding, that all sexual activity outside of marriage is likely (equally likely, it is implied) to cause physical and psychological damage, irrespective of a person’s understanding of sexuality or virginity. As it turns out, the vast majority of the people I interviewed lost their virginity with few, if any, ill effects. All of the nonvirgins had lost their virginity before marriage; 2 of the 5 virgins were planning to wait until their wedding nights.2 Whether they interpreted virginity as a gift, stigma, step in a process, or act of worship, on balance most men and women described their experiences as satisfying, even enjoyable, and avoided unintended pregnancy and STIs (a few scares notwithstanding). They also felt as though they had been in control and treated fairly by their partners. My research therefore represents an empirically based challenge to the 7 194 claim that virginity loss before marriage, or during adolescence, inevitably causes physical and psychological harm. In itself, this is an important finding. But, in light of the distinctive constellations of sexual beliefs and behaviors fostered by different metaphors for virginity, it is also crucial to consider whether specific understandings of virginity loss enhanced or diminished the physical and emotional wellbeing of the individuals who subscribed to them. Moreover, it is worth asking whether these metaphors perpetuate or disrupt prevailing patterns of gender inequality, especially in heterosexual relationships. Because the major models of sex education currently vying for dominance tend to promote different understandings of virginity loss, my findings can also help inform the national debate about sex education policy in the United States. Unequal Effects Of the four interpretive groups identified in my study, the gifters were the most likely to practice birth control or safer sex at virginity loss (and during the “close calls” that often preceded it). The close relationships these young people had with their sexual partners made it easier and more acceptable for them to protect their physical health in this manner. Close relationships could also heighten feelings of emotional well-being. But because reciprocation is the linchpin of gift relationships, virgins who favored this metaphor effectively ceded substantial control to their partners. Women and men who gave their virginity to loving, reciprocating partners—the majority in my study—pronounced themselves satis- fied with their virginity-loss experiences; Kelly Lewis and Bryan Meyers’s warm recollections of relationships strengthened through the mutual exchange of gifts were typical. However, gifters whose partners did not reciprocate felt not only disappointed , even devastated, but also deprived of sexual agency. This was especially the case for heterosexual women, given their lack of power relative to men. Julie Pavlicko and the other women whose male partners did not return their gifts felt disenfranchised at virginity loss and in subsequent relationships. Their distress was magnified by the exceptional signi ficance accorded to virginity loss when virginity is framed as a precious, unique gift. The gift metaphor’s emphasis on reciprocation had other ill effects as well: Danielle Rice and a few other women told me that they Virginity Lost | 195 would have left abusive or unworthy partners earlier had they not given those partners a precious part of themselves. In sum, approaching virginity as a gift facilitates behavior that protects physical health and has the potential for enhancing emotional well-being; but it also sets the stage for possible emotional devastation and the loss of agency, for women in particular . People who favored the stigma metaphor measured their experiences against less stringent...