Bye-Bye

Pags 151-187

"Oh, wel l why didn' t yo u say— " "And listen , I coul d pu t togethe r a show fo r yo u tha t I know woul d sell. " "I see . S o yo u don' t reall y wor k fo r he Supplement. You're fre e t o sen d u s you r slide s bu t we'r e no t i n a position t o tak e o n ne w talen t just now. " "I'm no t her e t o tal k abou t m y ow n wor k anyway . This i s abou t somebod y alread y famous . I ow n twent y John Wayn e Gac y paintings. " "Gacy." "Yeah, yo u know—whil e o n deat h row , h e di d oi l paintings an d sol d the m fro m priso n b y mai l order . I own al l the work s fro m wha t I cal l his color-by-numbe r period, a s wel l a s a serie s o f self-portrait s don e aroun d the tim e hi s circuit-cour t appea l go t rejected . Thes e ar e very emotional , ver y evocativ e paintings. " "I see, " sh e says . "I' m sorry , th e ide a make s m e queasy." Until now , I hav e share d m y Gac y collectio n wit h Th e Bartender an d n o on e else , no t eve n M y Lover . Sh e projects a n imag e o f open-minde d tolerance , bu t i s se cretly terrifie d o f th e unexpected . M y Love r canno t endure thos e exceptiona l moment s whe n I appear t o b e smarter than she . I a m no t allowe d eve n t o spea k i n th e same tone she does . I don' t believ e thi s woman' s hai r colo r i s natural . I t {151} may b e a wig. I coul d snatc h i t of f he r head ; tha t migh t teach her . Olde r wome n invariabl y expec t younge r women t o kowto w t o them . Olde r lesbian s ar e th e worst, althoug h th e bes t i n bed , o f course . Thi s woma n probably want s m e t o flatte r her . "Oh com e on , giv e Gac y a chance . Afte r all , Davi d Letterman own s on e o f hi s paintings . Yo u lik e Davi d Letterman, don' t you ? An d besides , jus t loo k a t thes e skulls. They mak e me queasy." "My dear, " huff s th e redhead . "Thi s circl e o f skull s conveys a refreshin g pessimism , afte r th e glibnes s o f eighties theory . I t refute s Baudrillard' s notio n o f life be ing escape d throug h death . Thi s piec e implie s we'r e forever trappe d i n a viciou s circle , wher e Go d i s dea d but stil l pissing o n us. " She smile s serenely . " A refreshin g pissimism." Her jocularity fail s to unsettl e me . " I thin k you'll fin d Gacy's wor k challenging . I t put s a bran d ne w glos s o n notions o f appropriation and simulacrum" Finally, m y graduat e studie s ma y bea r fruit . Th e educa tion cos t a great deal . That intellectua l stimulatio n deep ened an d intensifie d unti l i t swep t lik e a tida l wav e through m y marriage . Initially , i t wa s graduate school that made m e lus t afte r al l sort s o f knowledge. Ho w coul d I {152} finish m y studies , whe n m y studie s ha d finishe d m y marriage? I could not . I would not . I refused . "I'm afrai d tha t thos e warm , fuzz y postmoder n theorie s tend t o soun d a...