The Gay Baby Boom: The Psychology of Gay Parenthood

10. Conclusion

[10] Conclusion here are two questions we wish to address in concluding our study and our book. The first is, How are gay and lesbian families doing in the United States today? The second, more specific, question is, What are the most promising future directions for psychological research on these families? How Well Are Gay and Lesbian Parents Functioning? The participants of this study allowed us to look inside their families to see how they are functioning. They also allowed us to see how they interact with the larger community and how the community responds to them. In general, we found that most of the problem areas, whether actual or anticipated, came not from within the families but from the communities. According to our results, gay- and lesbian-headed families are functioning very well. As a group, they scored as well as, 169 T or better than, heterosexual couples on measures of relationship adjustment and satisfaction, allocation of tasks related to child rearing and housekeeping, and communication about their children. Gay and lesbian parents put a high premium on teaching their children to respect others and to value diversity. Few of them use physical punishment with their children. This particular sample was a well-educated, well-paid group of parents , and this certainly contributes to their overall well-being. The primary difficulties were found outside the families. Most of the lesbian mothers, and a sizable minority of gay fathers , faced opposition from their own families about becoming parents. By far the most common concern of these parents was that their children would be teased or treated unkindly by others because of the parent’s sexual orientation. Clearly, a lack of support from people and institutions outside the family is something that many gay and lesbian parents must face. Their approach to the outside world seems to be to present themselves as a family deserving of recognition and respect. Most of the families were living openly as gay or lesbian families within their communities by coming out to their children ’s teachers, doctors, or friends’ parents. This suggests that one way that gay and lesbian parents deal with anticipated disapproval from others is by meeting it head on. They make efforts to find the most supportive and accepting individuals and institutions they can for their children, including doctors and teachers, and they make a point of educating others. While only a minority of the subjects reported any extremely negative experiences, these events did still occur. There is by no means universal acceptance of these parents or their families. Conclusion / 170 The children of those parents in this sample who came out before having children are still quite young. It may be that, as the children get older, their gay and lesbian parents will face issues they had not anticipated. Future studies may wish to address this question. Differences among the groups of gay and lesbian parents are certainly worthy of further exploration , as well. In terms of the characteristics that go along with being effective parents, as we discussed in Chapter 2, the evidence from our study and the many other studies that have been done on gay- and lesbian-headed families shows that gay men and lesbians make very effective parents. Our study, and the other studies we have reviewed, found that gay and lesbian parents show strengths in the security of attachment to their children; in their parenting styles, including how they discipline their children; in the quality of their own couple relationships ; and in how they share the work associated with raising children and running a household. Future Directions for Research The Heterogeneous Population of Gay and Lesbian Parents We found that gay men and lesbians take different routes to parenthood and have different experiences along the way. Lesbians who become mothers after coming out usually choose to bear their own biological children. The majority of them face resistance, at least initially, from their own families. Conclusion / 171 It is not uncommon for them to worry that their employment may be affected by their plans to have a child. Gay men who have children after coming out almost always choose to adopt their children. Most of them do not encounter any disapproval from their own families, and they neither anticipate nor experience any employment-related problems as they begin their families. Parents who have children within a heterosexual relationship and then form a lesbian or gay...