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Four: “We Try Not to Encourage It, but I Know It Gets in There”: Refiners
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111 4 “We Try Not to Encourage It, but I Know It Gets in There” Refiners Ben, a white, heterosexually partnered parent, is thirty-five years old and considers himself upper-middle class, an identification consistent with his luxurious home in a tree-lined neighborhood of similar houses. On the evening of our appointment, his wife was in the kitchen making tea and scones as we sat in the dining room talking about his experiences raising two sons and two daughters, all under the age of six. Ben concluded his assessment of the origins of gendered childhoods by saying, “If I had to throw something out there, I’d say sixty/forty, sixty environment, parents. . . . I do definitely believe that quite a bit is hardwired into a kid when they’re born, that innate knowledge of how that gender’s supposed to be that I talked about before, but more of it is environmental.” In this comment, Ben typifies the Refiners, parents who combine roughly equal parts biology and society in explaining gendered childhoods, and roughly equal parts reproduction and resistance in their gendering actions. This melding highlights the way parents juggle and combine a variety of approaches that might, at first glance, seem unlikely to go together. Thinking about and acting on children’s gender is an intricate balancing act with far more variation and complexity than could be captured by a model focused on individual-level socialization or unconscious rote reproduction. Gender structures do not simply predetermine parents’ interpretations or behaviors. Rather, they shape a range of options for parents based on a mix of individual, interactional , and institutional factors. Refiners represent an approach that is at the center of the tensions I highlight: they are comfortable, up to a point, Refiners 112 with typical gendered patterns but also consider gender differentiation at least somewhat problematic, and they are optimistic, to some extent, about their ability to disrupt that differentiation. Like their Naturalizer and Cultivator peers, they tend not to view gender categories as sources of structural power. More so than those peers, however, Refiners often view gendered expectations as unwelcome limitations on individual choice and obstacles to the development of skills and capacities which they believe their children need in their adult lives. Some degree of gendering based on biology, their own personal preferences, and their inclination to follow their children’s lead strikes them as acceptable and desirable. Along with this acceptance, however, Refiners want to smooth the sharp edges of the constraints generated by the gender trap, moderating their influence and refining their content. As Ben put it, “I don’t want to see strict dividing lines by gender, I don’t think that’s useful.” Lisa: “I Try to Emphasize That Whatever They Want Is Okay” Another Refiner, Lisa, is the single parent of five-year-old twin sons, Dylan and Alex. She is white, thirty-two years old, and identifies as working class. Employed as a child care provider, Lisa has watched countless preschoolage children pass through the child care center where she works. It was at the center that she requested her interview take place, over her lunch hour, and as I watched her deftly field questions from coworkers and children, it was clear that she is an essential figure there. Based on her employment experience , she perceived that both biology and social influences shape gendered outcomes in childhood. I have watched classrooms and, you know, we will have ten girls and ten boys. I might have one girl that misbehaves, but I will have eight boys that have tendencies to make it to timeout once a day because of hitting or being physical or that kind of stuff. There has to be an inborn difference between boys and girls, I mean, there really, for the most part, just has to be. . . . They are all from similar families, similar backgrounds, they have all had experiences here in our center, some [44.221.45.48] Project MUSE (2024-03-29 16:50 GMT) Refiners 113 have siblings and some not, but the group of boys will have the higher tendency to be more aggressive, physical, louder, play harder, and then the girls will tend to be more quiet. Lisa also believes that parental influences have a role in developing gender differences. I think that both the boys and girls would get dirty, however, I think clearly parents have said to the girls, you know, I don’t want you dirty today. I think...