What Is Parenthood?: Contemporary Debates about the Family

15. Of Human Bonding: Integrating the Needs and Desires of Women, Men, and the Children Their Unions Produce

321 CHAPTER FIFTEEN Of Human Bonding Integrating the Needs and Desires of Women, Men, and the Children Their Unions Produce Elizabeth Marquardt Social scientists have now had the opportunity to study the positive and negative consequences of widespread family change for more than two decades. In this chapter, I will argue that the weight of the evidence supports the idea that the integration of the mother-child bond, the fatherchild bond, and the sexual bond between women and men through the institution of marriage is on average good for children, women, and men. I then offer a critical response to June Carbone and Naomi Cahn’s “responsible parenthood” proposal (elaborated in the next chapter). I end by examining the list of what I consider to be positive consequences of family change in recent decades and conclude that renewing a strong marriage culture would not compromise those positive changes. The indicators of family change are familiar. For the average couple, the lifetime probability that their marriage will end now falls between 40 and 50 percent.1 More than 40 percent of U.S. children are born outside of marriage.2 Other recent trends point toward a continuing fragmentation of marriage and parenthood. A notable example is the number of children conceived through assisted reproductive technologies using “third-party donors,” such as sperm or egg donors or surrogate mothers. These numbers are small overall but appear to be on the rise.3 These children and young people are only beginning to be studied. Technologies using third-party donors may now be used by heterosexual married couples, lesbian and gay couples, and single mothers or fathers. It is important to keep in mind that these technologies were pioneered for heterosexual married couples. Dominant trends driving a redefinition of parenthood in recent decades, including divorce, single-parent childbearing, and use of a variety of reproductive technologies, have been led by heterosexuals. 322 Elizabeth Marquardt At the same time, the greater visibility of same-sex parenting and the understandable desire of such parents for legal recognition of their families form a unique capstone to these trends driving a redefinition of parenthood . Divorced and remarried heterosexuals pioneered the idea that different kinds of people could be parents or parent figures for children, not just their mom or dad. Social recognition and acceptance of typically heterosexual single mothers first affirmed the idea that children do not necessarily need their fathers. But only same-sex marriage requires a full redefinition of parenthood. With such a change, we can no longer talk about children’s needs for their mothers and fathers, but only their need for two “parents.” Or maybe one really good parent. Or, if two parents are good, maybe three parents are even better.4 If we say that children of gays and lesbians do not particularly need their mom and their dad, we cannot very well say that other children do need those very same two people. What’s Good about Recent Family Change Over the last several decades, family trends have evolved in the context of broader social changes in the United States and other parts of the world. Some of the good changes that come to mind, and this list is by no means meant to be exhaustive, include the following: • Much greater professional, educational, and leadership opportunities for women and girls. • Greater emotional involvement with children by fathers who live with their children, compared with earlier generations of fathers. • Greatly reduced tolerance for domestic violence. • Greater acceptance of racial/ethnic diversity within families through marriage and adoption. • Growing acceptance of gay and lesbian persons within their families of origin and reduced stigma in society toward gay and lesbian persons. • More openness about and help for addiction, mental illness, history of sexual abuse, and other traumas that can devastate individuals and families. What’s Harmful about Recent Family Change Still, harms have resulted from these impulses toward greater openness, equality, and freedom. We now live in a declining marriage culture, one in 323 Of Human Bonding which men and women on average are more likely to marry later in life or not at all,5 more likely to divorce,6 and more likely to have children outside of marriage,7 sometimes with multiple partners. Overall, and after controlling for other variables, the weight of scholarly evidence suggests that having a married mother and father is linked to children’s increased physical and...