Lyrics of Sunshine and Shadow: The Tragic Courtship and Marriage of Paul Laurence Dunbar and Alice Ruth Moore

Chapter 5: Parted

F I V E Parted She wrapped her soul in a lace of lies, With prime deceit to pin it; And I thought I was winning a fearsome prize, So I staked my soul to win it. We wed and parted on her complaint, And both were a bit of barter, Tho’ I’ll confess that I’m no saint, I’ll swear that she’s no martyr. —Paul Laurence Dunbar, “Parted” (1905) As Mrs. Paul Laurence Dunbar, Alice embraced the companionate ideals of marriage, writing them into barely disguised short stories about her marriage to Paul. In Alice’s “Ellen Fenton,” a long-suffering wife finds happiness only when she and her emotionally distant husband become “real companions and comrades.”1 Another beleaguered wife of a harddrinking , skirt-chasing author in the short story “No Sacrifice” experiences true love when “all the joy of companionship, the happiness of a new and deeper comradeship” enter their troubled marriage.2 To assure her audience that she shared her characters’ ideals, Alice dedicated her second book, The Goodness of St. Rocque (1899), to “My Best Comrade/ My Husband.”3 There was a growing shift in the meaning of marriage in late-nineteenth -century America. Feminism, the increasing public activity of middle -class women, and the general acceptability of reform spawned a middle -class ideology of the companionate marriage. It was a softer, gentler wedlock requiring a redefinition of manhood, a new type of man. Those privileges and behaviors traditionally ascribed to males—emotional coolness , patriarchal control, drinking, gambling, sexual dalliance, and con-| 146 | stant sport with other gents at the family’s emotional and financial expense —were to be abandoned. Instead, marriages were to be built on mutual respect and affection. Holy wedlock was to be a mental, spiritual, and physical relationship, and a wife was to be her husband’s best friend. He was to become family oriented and bond emotionally with spouse and offspring. The companionate marriage was not egalitarian. Man remained the provider, protector; woman the cook, nurse, nurturer, and moral superior . This modern form of marriage had several permutations, with radicals advocating free love and trial marriages. But the style most championed by mainstream advice givers upheld the prevailing morality. It demanded only a softening of patriarchy, mutual respect, and satisfying emotional and physical love for both partners. Paul wanted nothing to do with the new-fangled marriage. He published his views as well, dedicating his first novel, The Uncalled (1898), “TO MY WIFE.” A poetry volume, Lyrics of the Hearthside (1899), he dedicated “TO/ALICE.”4 This traditional interpretation of her marital role pained her. She wanted to bond with him, to be his colleague. Paul resisted . “Dear, I am afraid we are not yet confidential friends,” a disappointed Alice wrote six months into their marriage. “I have tried to be but you won’t let me—you hold up a barrier every time I approach you.”5 She also craved the respect that wives were to receive in companionate marriages. Paul refused to give it. He became “angry, intolerant, scornful and—yes—noisy” when she tried to talk to him seriously or discuss matters that made her heart ache.6 Paul did not want a companion: he preferred the old-fashioned wife who knew her place. With such contrasting versions of wedded bliss, the Dunbars experienced marital role frustration. Marital role frustrations result when each partner has an image of the perfect mate, an often unrealistic projection. Both enter wedlock with definite expectations of what a husband and wife should be and do. These idealistic roles spring from previous interaction with family, personal preference, and the social construction of femininity, masculinity, and matrimony. This projected image further influences both the husband ’s conception of his wife’s responsibilities and of his behavior toward her, and the wife’s vision of her spouse’s duties and of her behavior toward him. When these fantasies are unfulfilled, “role frustration” Parted| 147 | ensues. The extent to which married persons realize their role expectations greatly determines marital satisfaction. When the loved one does not act in the desired manner, the partner often feels cheated, swindled, betrayed. While some degree of disillusionment characterizes all relations , disgruntlement and unresolved disappointment destroy marriages. The Dunbars were caught in the grip of marital role frustration. Paul did not live up to Alice’s image as the...