Your Average Nigga: Performing Race, Literacy, and Masculinity

6. To Be a Problem

As฀part฀of฀the฀interview฀for฀a฀professorship฀at฀the฀University฀of฀Iowa฀ (hereafter฀UI),฀I฀was฀asked฀to฀give฀a฀lecture.฀I฀based฀my฀talk฀on฀the฀ title฀chapter฀of฀this฀book,฀using฀the฀same฀autobiographical฀approach.฀ After฀my฀talk฀the฀department฀chair,฀a฀man฀with฀thirty฀years฀in,฀and฀ who฀reminded฀me฀of฀a฀taller,฀broad-shouldered,฀fully฀bearded฀version฀ of฀the฀midwestern฀farm฀husband—overalls฀and฀all—in฀Grant฀Wood’s฀ American฀Gothic,฀asked฀me฀only฀one฀question:฀“If฀you฀come฀here,฀are฀ you฀going฀to฀be฀a฀problem?” ฀ His฀question฀was฀loaded,฀not฀only฀because฀it฀recalled฀the฀question฀ that฀W.฀E.฀B.฀Du฀Bois฀ponders฀in฀The฀Souls฀of฀Black฀Folk—“How฀does฀ it฀feel฀to฀be฀a฀problem?”—but฀also฀because฀I’d฀just฀narrated฀the฀racial฀ conflicts฀that฀led฀to฀my฀departure฀from฀jobs.฀What’s฀more,฀the฀chair฀ and฀my฀prospective฀colleagues฀knew฀of฀troubles฀I’d฀had฀as฀a฀graduate ฀student฀at฀the฀University฀of฀Illinois฀at฀Chicago฀(hereafter฀UIC).฀ Because฀of฀the฀institutional฀grapevine฀they฀knew฀I฀had฀refused฀to฀take฀ a฀required฀course฀on฀how฀to฀teach฀first-year฀college฀students฀to฀write.฀ They฀knew฀I฀had฀walked฀right฀out฀of฀class฀when฀I฀learned฀that฀two฀ white฀students฀had฀been฀given฀the฀opportunity฀to฀show฀teaching฀pro- ficiency฀by฀providing฀a฀portfolio฀of฀their฀experience.฀When฀I฀asked฀the฀ director฀of฀the฀writing฀program฀for฀the฀same฀opportunity,฀she฀gave฀ me฀the฀shake-off.฀Four฀months฀later,฀after฀much฀wrangling,฀when฀she฀ and฀her฀assistant฀allowed฀me฀to฀submit฀a฀dossier,฀I฀played฀what฀James฀ 125 6 TO฀BE฀A฀฀ PROBLEM CHAPTER฀6฀฀/฀฀126 Baldwin฀once฀called฀“the฀bad฀nigger”—the฀one฀who฀stages฀his฀racial฀ and฀masculine฀performance฀to฀upset฀white฀folks฀(Baldwin฀1985,฀183). ฀ While฀preparing฀my฀dossier฀of฀syllabi฀and฀assignments,฀a฀flash฀of฀ resentment฀washed฀over฀me.฀From฀my฀mixed฀feelings฀of฀spite฀and฀optimism ,฀I฀included฀an฀epigram฀on฀the฀title฀page,฀“You฀can’t฀take฀my฀ joy,฀devil,”฀which฀I฀had฀lifted฀from฀a฀Kirk฀Franklin฀gospel฀song.฀I฀had฀ intended฀the฀phrase฀to฀function฀as฀an฀exposé฀of฀the฀racial฀politics฀involved ฀in฀the฀situation.฀I฀wanted฀them฀to฀know฀they฀had฀delayed฀but฀ hadn’t฀deflated฀me.฀The฀epigram฀seemed฀to฀convey฀a฀certain฀Christian ฀irony:฀the฀more฀the฀devil฀beats฀you฀down,฀the฀more฀joy฀God฀gives฀ you. ฀ How฀could฀I฀know฀the฀director฀was฀Jewish?฀Nor฀could฀I฀anticipate฀ she’d฀read฀every฀anti-Semitic฀statement฀Louis฀Farrakhan฀ever฀uttered฀ into฀the฀word฀devil.฀At฀the฀time฀I฀wasn’t฀fully฀aware฀of฀the฀racist฀weight฀ the฀term฀bore.฀If฀I฀had฀been,฀I฀might฀have฀chosen฀another,฀less฀volatile฀ phrase.฀Needless฀to฀say,฀she฀was฀furious.฀Her฀assistant฀cried.฀And฀I฀ was฀barred฀from฀teaching฀writing.฀I฀was฀given฀literature฀classes,฀an฀assignment ฀that฀upset฀other฀graduate฀students฀who฀didn’t฀want฀to฀teach฀ writing.฀One฀told฀me,฀“You฀did฀wrong,฀got฀caught,฀but฀still฀managed฀ to฀steal฀away฀the฀goods.”฀Perhaps฀they฀wanted฀me฀to฀tell฀them฀the฀particulars ฀of฀my฀reprimand,฀but฀I฀kept฀quiet. ฀ What฀I’ve฀rehearsed฀here,฀however,฀was฀public,฀and฀the฀people฀ at฀ UI฀ knew฀ about฀ it.฀ Nonetheless,฀ there฀ I฀ was฀ with฀ my฀ racial฀ past฀ exposed,฀seeking฀to฀be฀part฀of฀a฀department฀that฀had฀never฀had฀any฀ blacks,฀let฀alone฀a฀black฀male.฀In฀light฀of฀this฀the฀chair’s฀question฀jarred฀ me,฀confused฀me,฀and฀made฀me฀wonder:฀“Is฀this฀a฀trick?”฀I฀deliberated :฀“If฀I฀say฀I฀won’t฀be฀a฀problem,฀then฀the฀audience,฀particularly฀ the฀two฀blacks฀present,฀will฀wonder,฀to฀quote฀a฀line฀from฀Baldwin,฀‘Is฀ he฀for฀real฀or฀is฀he฀kissing฀ass?’฀On฀the฀other฀hand,฀if฀I฀say฀I฀will฀be฀a฀ problem,฀I฀might฀be฀perceived฀as฀‘difficult,’฀‘a฀trouble฀maker,’฀‘a฀hot฀ head,’฀‘a฀race฀monger.’”฀Hearing฀Momma’s฀voice฀tell฀me฀I฀was฀there฀ to฀assimilate,฀not฀to฀alienate,฀I฀uttered฀an฀acquiescent฀but฀assertive฀no.฀ I฀was฀humble฀but฀confident,฀flexible฀yet฀focused.฀I฀meant฀my฀no฀to฀indicate ฀that฀I฀could฀function฀as฀a฀team฀player.฀Still,฀I฀felt฀disingenuous.฀ I฀couldn’t฀believe฀that฀I฀was฀standing฀there฀lying,฀kissing฀white฀ass฀to฀ get฀a฀job. TO฀BE฀A฀PROBLEM฀฀/฀฀127 ฀ Writing฀this฀book฀has฀given฀me฀pause฀to฀ponder฀my฀response,฀and฀ this฀last฀chapter฀is฀my฀attempt฀to...