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One night, about a month into my fieldwork with the gay Christians, I offered Terry, whose car was in the shop for repairs, a ride home from an Accept meeting. Like me, Terry was a newcomer and had only been attending meetings for a short time. During the drive to his home, we initially made small talk and joked about local happenings. Then Terry suddenly got serious and asked, “Michelle, do you like going to these meetings?” I was startled by the question. I had not considered whether I enjoyed the time I spent with the group, so it was difficult to answer his question . I did, however, recognize immediately how important his question was; if attending the group was not rewarding, then it would be very hard to keep doing so—for me or anyone else. I answered Terry as honestly as possible. Yes, I liked attending the group. I enjoyed the warmth, the camaraderie, and the exploration of sexual and spiritual issues. I also explained that I did not feel this way at the very beginning. As a heterosexual woman from a Jewish family, I initially felt strange and out of place, worried that I could not fit in or that I might unwittingly offend. These fears dissolved, however, as group members made real efforts to include and get to know me. Attending the group became fun. Terry interrupted me here: “But that’s just it. Because you’re straight, you don’t have to worry about what will happen to you. You can just make friends. For me, I’m scared. I’m joining a gay church. It will change my life, and I have Challenging Traditional Meanings 5 79 80 “ B E N O T D E C E I V E D ” to be sure I’m going the right way and that I am right with God. Going to group meetings is sometimes hard.” When I asked Terry what was difficult about the meetings, he got a bit exasperated at my inability to grasp what he saw as obvious: “Look, I might live as openly gay for the first time in my life. I have no idea how my family, friends, or co-workers could react. Then, there’s God. What if the group is plain wrong about homosexuality? There’s just a lot I’m unsure about. Not the people there or anything, but what will happen if I go this route.” Given such uncertainty, why did Terry decide to give the group a try? Because, as he put it, “The group may just be an answer to my prayers,” a solution that would ultimately end the anxiety, shame, and fear that plagued him. Terry’s mixed feelings about joining a group were shared by many men in this study when they first became group members, regardless of which group they decided to join. On one hand, they were tempted and drawn in by the group’s potential to help them resolve their longstanding dilemmas. On the other hand, they were anxious about the changes in their lives that membership required, whether they could accomplish those changes, and whether doing so was right with God. While new Accept members worried most about their rightness with God and new Expell members worried most about the possibility of changing, new members of both groups were tentative at first. How new members resolved these initially confusing feelings (and whether they did) would have a tremendous impact on their ability to commit to their respective group, to adopt group ideas, and to learn to see themselves differently. If the men’s anxieties and doubts persisted , their commitment, or determination to pursue an “increasing identifi[cation] with the group, its meaning system, and its goals,” would be stymied (McGuire 1992, 51). As a result, they would be unable to whole-heartedly embrace group messages and unlikely to experience any individual change or remain group members. Their success, their ability to reconstruct themselves in a positive light as either gay or ex-gay Christians, hinged largely on creating and sustaining commitment to their respective group. The challenge of self-transformation through commitment to a support group and its healing process is certainly not unique to gay and ex-gay Christian men. In fact, the groups in this study represent just a tiny fraction of support groups. Our increasing cultural emphasis on the self, feeling, and therapeutic intervention over the last three decades has led to the formation of an...

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