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106. The Bottom Line on Listening
- Rutgers University Press
- Chapter
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‘Interrupting is part of conversation’ or ‘You are rude for telling me not to interrupt.’ Do you have any suggestions for coping with my pet peeve? Is it because I am dealing with family members that this is becoming such a challenge? Help!” Dear avid listener—trust me, it is not just your family. Incessant interrupting is one of the most common communication faux pas. The reasons people do it are endless,but it largely centers around being overly self-centered, terribly impatient, and downright rude. My suggestion is that you calmly but clearly tell those who constantly interrupt you exactly how you feel when they do it. Then, draw a line in the sand and let them know that you’d rather not converse with them until they decide they are going to try to interrupt less. Chapter 106 THE BOTTOM LINE ON LISTENING Following is a sampling of what some readers had to say in response to a listening quiz given by the Star-Ledger’s Business section. Marilyn Rohrbach says, “Several years ago, ‘active listening’ was a huge tool—‘probing’ questions, confirming statements and body language that confirmed understanding were the recommendations. I never was a fan of that technique because it seemed somewhat phony and rehearsed. I do, however, find myself giving the impression of being in a hurry. Whether this is actually true or not, I am a ‘get-to-the-point’ kind of person in my professional life and much more relaxed in my personal life.” Marilyn adds, “Professionally, I also find myself asking some probing questions to confirm my interest and understanding, which is part of the old‘active listening,’ but many times don’t really listen to the answer.” The key, Marilyn, is not to simply appear to be listening, but to actually listen. Faking it won’t get it done. What people need to realize is that deciding to listen is an investment that can pay huge dividends. Through exceptional listening, we find out about the needs, wants, fears, 226 MAKE THE CONNECTION and hopes of others. Finding these things out allows you to provide quality customer service and enhance your relationships. That’s what makes it worth it. Sheila Beers says,“The ‘sentence-finisher’ is so annoying. That person is either immature or completely arrogant. Either way, it leads to a frustrating situation. Also, I find that focusing attention on a response rather than the nature of the conversation is usually a by-product of nervousness or trying to impress. Confidence and learning to relax are in order. Of course, in an ‘interview’ scenario, this is easier said than done.” Sheila says accepting constructive criticism is hard for her. “If you can learn to accept constructive criticism, it will be your best friend. Learn from it, use it and capitalize on it. Good listening is a product of a conscious decision. I liken that to maintaining a good marriage—you have to make a conscious effort to work at it every day (especially after 25 years)!” Hey Sheila, you make a great point about the connection between good listening and maintaining a good marriage. In that spirit, consider what Debbie Granrath had to say on the subject of constructive criticism. “I become defensive and shut out the rest of what is being said as opposed to seeing feedback as an opportunity to grow. I also become angry with the person. . . .” You’re not alone, Debbie. A lot of us become defensive when we are criticized. Obviously praise is a lot easier to hear. Do you notice we never interrupt when someone is telling us how great we are? It’s all in your frame of mind. As opposed to saying to yourself,“How dare you criticize me?” consider a different approach: “Thanks, I needed that.” (Even if it doesn’t feel good to hear it.) Becoming defensive is a product of our insecurities, which often come from our childhood, but if we can get past some of that, the floodgates can be opened to valuable insights and observations from others as to how we might improve in a given area.And all of us, regardless of how great we think we are, can do better. Finally, once you get in the habit of thanking people who give you “constructive” criticism or feedback, it can become second nature. The bottom line, be it listening, speaking, or any communication technique, is to develop good habits and minimize those that aren’t so...