Make the Connection: Improve Your Communication at Work and at Home

90. Communicating with Kids about a Scary World

would look really weird, wouldn’t it?) Don’t just look at the teacher or your best friend in the front row. And whatever you were told about focusing on a spot on the wall above the heads of the other kids—forget it. That looks even weirder. 6. Think about the boys and girls in the back of the room and make sure they can hear you. So, SPEAK UP! Don’t shout, but project your voice and go slow. 7. Stand up straight, but don’t be stiff. Watch that rocking back and forth. And your feet shouldn’t be crossed, they should be firmly on the ground. Try to move around a little bit instead of just staying in the front of the room. I know it is a little bit scary at first, but you’ll get used to it. 8. Use your hands to make a point or to gesture. That’s what they are there for. DON’T put them in your pockets. DON’T play with your hair. DON’T be fumbling with your papers or your jewelry. 9. Get into the presentation instead of just “getting it done.” DON’T fake it. Show your enthusiasm for your topic. The other kids will like that. If you are having fun, so will they. 10. Practice your presentation in front of your family and do it the way you plan to do it for real.The more you practice,the more comfortable and confident you will be when the time comes to “stand and deliver.” Chapter 90 COMMUNICATING WITH KIDS ABOUT A SCARY WORLD The World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, beheadings in Iraq, children murdered en masse in Russia—communicating with our kids about terrorism, war, and violence, particularly since 9/11, has not 194 MAKE THE CONNECTION been easy. Most of us are unclear about how much or how often we should bring these issues up. Should we bring them up at all? Should we wait for our kids to raise these sensitive and scary topics? What if they don’t? Many children have experienced emotional problems since September 11. How honest should we be about terrorism in general and our own fear in particular? Could it happen again? So many questions, so few answers. With all the media coverage of horrific terrorist and war-related events, consider some practical communication tips when talking with your kids: • Timing matters a lot. Timing is always an important factor in how and when we communicate. If your child brings up any aspect of war or terrorism, seize the opportunity to hear him or her out. Most parents know that it is better to have a meaningful conversation with our kids earlier in the day or at dinner as opposed to right before they go to bed. Talking about scary, real-life events when both you and your child are tired is not a good idea. However, if your child does want to talk before bedtime, seize the opportunity. • Ask open-ended questions. Instead of putting pressure on yourself to lecture about the nature of war and terrorism, put yourself in listening mode. See yourself as more of a facilitator asking probing, but sensitive, open-ended questions that encourage your children to talk about their feelings, fears, and concerns. Right after September 11, the Mental Health Association published a list of great questions that can help get your kids talking. These questions are helpful after other high-visibility events as well: What do you remember about what happened on September 11? What have you talked about in school? How do you feel about the way our country responded? • Don’t try to do it alone. Place a call to your child’s teacher or to school administrators to get a better sense of how they are dealing with highly publicized terrorist incidents. What Relationships, Kids, and Communication 195 forums are they providing for kids to talk and share their feelings ? If you have a sense of what the school is doing, it makes your job a little easier when talking with your own child on the subject. • Television communicates a powerful but sometimes distorted and overly scary message. I know because my oldest son, Stephen, who is twelve, watches the Today show every morning before school. Even that program shows incidents involving “scary” news. The Mental Health Association advocates that we monitor our...