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Chapter 88 COMMUNICATING WITH OUR KIDS Some kids are better communicators than others. Did you ever notice that certain children look you right in the eye, speak in a clear voice without rambling, and do it with genuine enthusiasm? What makes other kids mumble, look down at the ground, and rock back and forth when they have to speak? According to Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician of thirty years and the author of the book The Successful Child, the way children communicate is largely a product of how their parents communicate . Dr. Sears says children are the world’s best copycats, and communication skills are more commonly caught than taught. Don’t kid yourself. Being a solid communicator is as important to kids as it is to adults. Kids who can express themselves confidently are better at building solid relationships. They perform well in school and later on are better able to find a good job and a good mate. Dr. Sears argues that there are several things parents can do to help their children master the art of communication without being overbearing or obsessive. • Narrate your life even when interacting with an infant: “Mommy (or Daddy) is taking off your diaper and cleaning your bottom so you can have a nice clean diaper.” As children get older,parents should describe such things as the items they need to pick up at the grocery store or what they see on a walk in a park: “Aren’t the trees beautiful?” 191 • Be a great listener. I know many children who are terrible listeners , who also have parents with the same problem. The key is not to tell your kid to listen, but to actually practice being attentive and empathetic when conversing with your own child. Avoid the temptation to interrupt your child even when he or she is going on. It’s a lot better to wait for a pause in the conversation and then divert the attention to another subject. • Ask the “W” questions. Instead of asking closed-ended questions such as,“Did you have a good day at school?”which only elicits a yes or no response, ask more open-ended questions that often begin with“who,”“what,”“where,”or“why”:“What did you do at school that was really interesting today?” When your child responds, use encouragers like, “What happened next?” or “Tell me more.” • Don’t nit-pick about communication or grammar mistakes. Dr. Sears says,“It is important for kids to learn to speak comfortably before they learn to speak correctly.” I was guilty of correcting my son’s grammar as far back as preschool. The problem with that is, even though we are all tempted to do it, sometimes kids can clam up or develop speech problems because they feel as if they are being judged. Look, grammar is clearly important, but kids need to first figure out how to express what they are feeling, thinking, or seeing, then we can help them fine-tune it. • Also,remember that body language counts a lot.We can say all the right things to our kids, but if we do it while rolling our eyes, crossing our arms, or our slumping shoulders, the meaning of those words will be interpreted very differently. When talking with or listening to children, Dr. Sears suggests we get down to their level and look them in the eye. Imagine what it must be like to talk to someone who is four feet taller than you are.That’s got to be weird.Just crouch down or even get on the floor if you have to. There is no substitute for eye contact. Not only will it help you connect with your child, but it will teach him or her what eye contact should look like. 192 MAKE THE CONNECTION ...

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