The Shadow of Death: The Holocaust in Lithuania

17. Back in the Ghetto

17. Back in the Ghetto Here I was in the ghetto, but I was afraid to go home, feeling that a disaster awaited me. Whatever would be, I could not stay in the streets, I thought. I began walking faster, but my steps were uncertain. My heart was pounding. As I came close to my home and saw the little gray door, I came to a standstill. I could not go in. I saw a woman coming toward me. I waited until the woman was close and I saw that she was our good neighbor, Mrs. Resnick . She said, "Hershke, is that you? How did you get here?" I didn't answer but came back with a question. "Mrs. Resnick, do you know how my aunt is doing?" "Your aunt is better," she said and walked away. At this, I calmed down and was more sure of myself. I didn't hesitate at the door but opened it right up and walked into the house. The little kitchen where I used to sleep looked dark and empty. I ran into the other room where my aunt and uncle slept and found Uncle Abraham sitting on a chair with his head down. My aunt was not there. I called out, "Uncle Abraham, where is Aunt Ettel?" He jumped up and said, "Hershke, your second mother is dead." I began to cry hysterically. "Why did God punish me so much that I couldn't be at my aunt's funeral?" I fell on my knees and put my head on the bed where she had been the last time I saw her. I couldn't forgive myself. I started shaking, and my uncle put some compresses on my forehead. I stayed this way for two hours. 100 The Shadow of Death When I came to my senses, my uncle told me what had happened after they took me out of the ghetto and sent me to the working camp. The morning after I left he took my aunt to the hospital to get ready for an operation. The operation took four hours. Afterward my aunt started feeling better. She told the doctor that he could call her husband and her two sisters and their husbands. They came together, and she spoke a few sentences and said goodby to each one. As everyone left, she called to Aunt Golda and told her, "Golda, I won't live. IfHershula comes back from the work camp alive, take care of him. Be like a mother to him." With those words on her lips, her life ended. "It has been ten days since she died," my uncle said, "and you and I are left without a wife and mother. Who is going to take care ofus? After work now, since your aunt is gone, I go to Aunt Golda's to eat. She treats me well but she is only my sister-inlaw , not a wife. I am not a young man anymore. No one knows how much we loved her. In good times and bad, we never fought or had arguments. But maybe this way is better; she has her peace now. Who knows what we will have to go through yet? Maybe we won't be able to have a peaceful death. If I had the strength, if! could commit suicide, I would have done it. This is the only thing that I cannot forgive God for-he should have taken me with her. My life without her is worth nothing. I am walking on God's earth like a useless animal. I eat at someone else's table." Listening to his words, I began to shake again. Then I fell asleep for an hour. I woke up feeling a little better but with a terrible headache. My uncle was sitting nextto me with his head hanging down and big tears like cherries falling from his eyes. When he saw that I was awake, he covered his eyes and said, '''lbmorrow we are going to the ghetto cemetery and I will show you where your aunt is buried. Now I suppose you want something to eat." My appetite was completely gone. My heart was heavy and tight. I was filled with new tragedy and I told Uncle Abraham that I could not eat. He said, "IfAunt Golda and Aunt Celia knew that you were Back in the Ghetto 101 back from the...