Sexes: The Marriage Dialogues

How Married People Argue

34 How Married People Argue Because they disagreed on nuclear disarmament, because he’d left the grass uncut, because she’d spilled a milkshake on his golf bag, he raced ten miles faster than the limit. Stiffening, she scowled for him to stop it. His answer was to rev it up to twenty. She asked him why a man of his intelligence would take out his ill temper on a car? He shouted in the name of Jesus that he never ever lost his damn temper. She told him he was shouting—not to shout— that shouting was a sign of no intelligence. He asked a backseat witness totally invisible to anyone but him why women had to act like this. She muttered, “Men,” as if the word were mouthwash she was spitting in a sink. Arriving at the party, they postponed the lethal language they were saving for the kill and played “Happily Married.” 35 Since all the guests were gorging on chilled shrimp, the fake went unobserved. She found a stranger’s jokes so humorous she almost choked on her martini. He demonstrated for the hostess how she could improve her backswing. All the way home they played “Married and so what.” She frowned as if the car had a disease. He steered like a trainee, heeding all speed limits to the letter, whistling “Some Enchanted Evening” in the wrong key, and laughing in a language only he could understand. At midnight, back to back in bed, he touched the tightness of her thigh. She muttered, “I’m asleep,” as if her permanent address were sleep. He rose and roamed the darkened house, slammed every door he passed, and watched a prison film with George Raft. Abed at dawn, he heard the tears she meant for him to hear. He listened and lay still. 36 Because they both had round-trip tickets to the past but only one-way tickets to the future, he apologized for both of them. They waited for their lives to happen. He said the hostess’s perfume was Eau de Turpentine. She said the party was a drag—no humor. Word by word, they wove themselves in touch again. Then silence drew them close as a conspiracy until whatever never was the issue turned into the nude duet that settled everything until the next time. ...