Soluble Fish

I ask-

 I฀ask— because฀everything฀turns฀on฀the฀moment,฀its฀timing— the฀firefly฀smashed฀on฀the฀windshield, the฀final฀fading฀of฀its฀chemical฀glow— and฀because฀the฀veins฀in฀our฀hands฀even฀now rise฀through฀skin฀like฀ridges฀on฀a฀pine฀handrail,฀well-worn— you,฀close฀to฀me฀as฀words฀to฀a฀page,฀did฀you฀know— in฀our฀lifetime฀the฀whole฀North฀American฀continent will฀have฀drifted฀eastward฀roughly฀the฀length฀of฀my฀body? No฀wonder฀it’s฀so฀difficult฀to฀find฀each฀other. You฀said฀your฀Aunt฀died฀young฀but฀reconciled— or฀did฀you฀say฀happy—because฀she’d฀seen฀the฀world, all฀but฀six฀countries,฀travel฀a฀balm฀for฀death. I฀can฀almost฀share฀it,฀your฀enthusiasm฀for฀place, the฀iambs฀of฀places฀you’ve฀been— Peru,฀Nepal,฀Zaire,฀Bhutan— we฀count฀them฀off฀like฀minutes,฀like฀expectant฀mothers counting฀days.฀I฀want฀to฀pretend฀that฀time is฀not฀the฀point,฀that฀how฀we฀frame฀it is฀all฀that฀matters,฀but฀this฀shard฀box฀on฀my฀desk, its฀lid฀a฀piece฀of฀Ming฀pottery— a฀piece฀of฀sky฀fixed฀in฀place—is฀only฀a฀remnant, unlike฀the฀earthworms฀I฀dig฀for฀my฀daughter’s฀garter฀snake, or฀how฀he฀gulps฀them฀down฀in฀honest฀greed, their฀struggle฀futile฀but฀somehow฀touching. Yet,฀who฀can฀believe฀even฀what฀is฀seen? In฀a฀bayou฀the฀mother฀alligator฀hungrily mouths฀her฀children,฀cradling฀them฀in฀her฀tight฀cave, her฀stalagmite฀teeth฀a฀picket฀fence.฀She฀is฀as฀intent as฀blue฀jays฀who฀every฀spring฀build฀a฀nest at฀the฀corner฀of฀my฀porch.฀There฀is฀nothing to฀anchor฀the฀sticks฀to฀except฀each฀other— they฀fall฀and฀fall.฀So฀much฀for฀instinct.  Words฀are฀no฀better.฀Bedtime,฀I฀hold฀my฀daughter as฀she฀sobs,฀I฀don’t฀want฀to฀die,฀I฀don’t฀want฀you฀to฀die. What฀can฀I฀say?฀It฀is฀like฀those฀times when฀the฀cry฀at฀the฀peak฀of฀loving so฀defines฀my฀borders฀I฀can฀only฀fall฀into฀movement, think฀small,฀back฀and฀forth— spring,฀when฀I฀sweep฀the฀twigs฀from฀the฀porch— no฀words,฀only฀this฀nest฀of฀now,฀and฀now. ...