Defiant Dads: Fathers' Rights Activists in America

9. “Crooked Trees,” Activism, and Healing in Dissolved Families

9 “Crooked Trees,” Activism, and Healing in Dissolved Families Researcher: “Just so I have an understanding of your family situation ...I always like to draw a family tree for all individuals participating in this study. Do you have custody of your son?” Devin: “No, I do not....It’s a crooked tree.” The fathers who are the subject of this book had complex stories to tell about their family lives. Many were understandably angry that their adult relationships had fallen apart. Many were also sad and depressed that their wives or girlfriends had left them, or that they had felt, for whatever reason, the need to be the one to leave. Of course, breakups when children are involved are rarely pleasant. As this book has illustrated, when a family dissolves, accusations of physical and sexual abuse can occur. Infidelity charges can rage. Drug and alcohol abuse can take its toll on desperate parents. Mothers and fathers can call on friends and family to take sides in their disputes, and police interventions over explosive arguments can become grindingly habitual. Yet for many fathers, these challenges only represent the beginning of the heartache and injustice to come as they sort through their new familial roles. Far worse than this initial emotional turmoil for these fathers was what happened to them at the hands of the family law system. After 248 Defiant Dads undergoing the gut-wrenching experience of an adult breakup, they now faced the prospect of paying child support until their children reached adulthood. These payments, they argued, were grossly unfair in the ways in which they were calculated and collected. In addition, fathers were often shocked to discover that they no longer had regular access to their children. Sole custody or joint physical custody were simply nonstarters in the courts as acceptable parenting arrangements. Instead, as they saw it, the court system forced them into the role of visitor to their own children. No longer were they able to kiss their children in the morning , send them off to school, eat dinner with them, and tuck them into bed at night. Instead, they had to squeeze their fatherly attention to their children into short periods of time, typically every other weekend between 6:00 p.m. on Fridays until their 7:00 p.m. Sunday drop-off at their ex-partner’s house. Overall, what they viewed as oppressive child support and child custody policies forced them to conclude that they did not have a chance of recovering—financially or emotionally—unless the rules of the family-law game dramatically changed. So what did they do when faced with these challenges? They organized, forming fathers’ rights groups throughout the country. They gathered, usually in someone’s home, a church, or some other informal setting, and planned comprehensive strategies to effect change. In observing these organizations and interviewing their members, what quickly became clear was that these groups served two fundamental functions: they were a focal point for political activism and a site for providing personal services for their members. The political activity of fathers’ rights groups is much more well-known, as their demonstrations, lobbying efforts, and writings continue to garner widespread media attention. At the top of their agenda, of course, are child support and child custody reform. Although their particular policy recommendations vary by individual member and by group, the majority of fathers’ rights groups would identify a utopian world as one in which no child support would be exchanged between parents and where both parents would share joint physical and legal custody of their children automatically in cases of familial dissolution. The personal service activities of fathers’ rights groups, on the other hand, are less widely known. Through videos, lectures , speakers, and most predominantly informal advice, fathers’ rights groups aim to guide fathers in improving their relationships with their “Crooked Trees,” Activism, and Healing 249 ex-partners as well as their children as they embark on a new stage in their familial lives. Despite this discrepancy in public awareness of the two faces of the fathers ’ rights agenda, what was uniform across both areas of activity was a strong antistate sentiment. In the political arena, these activists argued— quite correctly, if we consider simply the recent waves in family-oriented legislation—that the government was intruding into their lives as never before both in child support and child custody policy. Some members perceived...