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Most family mediations involve parents or guardians who are involved legally and emotionally. In all likelihood they are doing their psychological best when things are psychologically the worst. Mediation in family conflict is utilized in these most intimate conflicts because of the importance of sustaining long-term and valuable relationships. Likewise, mediation in family conflicts includes the fullest range of all emotions. Research indicates that an increase in the number of parties to a negotiation increases the timeliness of decisions and overall complexity . The present mediation exemplifies how adding one more person to the conflict increases the complexity of mediation as well as the importance of sustaining some semblance of “neutrality” on the mediator’s part. This mediation is about an open adoption. Open adoption is used when both the mother and new parents have the opportunity to plan how a child might live in new circumstances. Although many countries may not yet have this system, the open adoption system is one that meets the current and future needs of a child. However, such a process is met with difficulties, none so different than the traditional system of closed adoption. Sometimes under the auspices of a child protection or child welfare system, mediation is recommended to resolve certain issues rather than take them to Court. In the present case, the prospective adopting parents and the natural parent met each other prior to the mediation. In addition, the three had self-selected each other and were familiar with each other. Unfortunately the best-laid plans do not always work out, especially when there is a great 169 6 Adoption The Chaos of Choice LARRY S. FONG, Mediator deal of excitement and confusion. A mother about to give her child to new parents , and new parents about to receive a new child do not have the prerequisite experience to tie all loose ends. It is these loose ends that sometimes lead to future misunderstandings that require immediate clarification and resolve. This particular mediation demonstrates specific issues of adoption: transfer of physical and legal custody; guardianship, and issues related to motherhood; and universal issues of differences in age and ability to negotiate, fairness, power imbalance, and conflicts of interest. For example, there is virtual inequity of power because of the differences in the emotional, cognitive, and affective development between the adopting parents and the natural mother. Does the natural mother have the cognitive capacity to understand long-term consequences of her actions? Is there an influence in the mediation of two mature adopting parents compared with a younger natural parent? We will deal more fully with the universal issues in the commentary section after the Transcript. The Importance of Language Language is the primary method human beings use to communicate. In our words and language, we communicate with each other. Our words can make things better or worse depending on how the other person receives the message. Mediators acknowledge that a message can be accepted by another person not only in terms of “what is said” but also “how it is said.” So it is important that the mediator use language that is neutral to the three “parents” to ensure some modicum of fairness and equality. Language is an organizing principle because it can easily determine how mediation meets the needs of the participants. For example , the mediator in this mediation uses the word parent to refer to any and all of the participants, putting all on an equal footing. In this mediation, the adopting parents realize that the natural mother, Vicki, may want to change her mind about her son, Robert. She wants more access than what the parents had previously agreed to. Now Vicki is considering taking Robert back with her.The adopting parents have an overriding fear of loss of their son. This same fear is experienced by the natural mother. The mediator must distinguish between this “sameness and differences” in the questions asked of all the parents. Sameness gives stability to the parents. Differences allow for changes to occur between the parents. The language of the mediator is what helps create change and difference between the parents in a respectful and safe environment for mediation. Again, one of the hallmarks of mediation is to create an atmosphere of safety for all in the mediation so that everyone’s points of view are respected. By allowing for “sameness,” everyone knows they are in the “same boat together.” By allowing for “differences,” everyone acknowledges the uniqueness of varied perspectives of the...

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