i never knew what time it was

the theory and practice of postmodernism—a manifesto

the theory and practice of postmodernism a manifesto about two years ago elly and i decided we needed a new mattress or maybe elly decided it because i didnt pay much attention to the problem we had an old mattress wed had it for years and the salesman wed bought it from had assured us it would last us a lifetime and it was getting older and lumpy or lumpy in some places and hollowed out in others and i just assumed it was part of a normal process of aging it was getting older we were getting older and wed get used to it but eleanor has a bad back and she was getting desperate to get rid of this mattress that had lived with us for such a long time and so loyally that i thought i knew all its high points and low points its eminences and pitfalls and i was sure that at night my body 1 worked its way carefully around the lumps dodging the precipices and moving to solider ground whenever it could but maybe eleanor sleeps more heavily than i do i have a feeling that i spent much of my life at night avoiding the pitfalls of this mattress that i was used to and it was a skill id acquired over the ten or fifteen years of this mattress’ life so i felt there was no reason to get rid of this mattress that had been promised to us by a salesman who said it would last the rest of our lives i figured we were going to live long lives i didnt think we were anywhere close to dying so neither was the mattress but eleanor kept waking up with backaches still i figured it was a good mattress and that elly just didnt have enough skill at avoiding the lumps it never occurred to me that the mattress was at fault so i didnt do anything and elly didnt do anything because shes not into consumer products and hates to go shopping but by the end of a year elly convinced me because she has a sensitive back and i dont that she had a more accurate understanding of this business than i did so i said sure eleanor lets get a new mattress were rebuilding the house as long as were going to have a new house we may as well have a new mattress but eleanor said how will i know its a good one i dont want to get another mattress that gets hollowed and lumpy and gives me backaches when i wake up how will i know how to get a good one i said well open the yellow pages and well look up mattresses and therell be several places that sell them and ill close my eyes and point a finger at one of these places and it will be a place that has lots of mattresses where we can make a choice as to what constitutes a good one by lying on them now elly really knew that you cant just walk into a place and buy a mattress she knows this about american consumer goods and theory and practice of postmodernism 2 she knows that these places would be equipped with rich delusional capabilities whatever they might be we would go to a great warehouse with subdued lighting where they played somniferous music that encouraged you into restful comfort while people would be heard talking in hushed voices walking about examining the mattresses or testing them by gently reclining on them “oh are you buying that one my aunt sylvie had one just like it and practically lived on it” “thats a wonderful mattress my uncle everett suffered for years from lumbago that never let him sleep he bought that mattress and slept like a baby ever since” “my aunt agnes had asthma and she used to wake up every hour gasping for breath since shes been sleeping on that mattress she sleeps like a log she rises fresh every morning and plays three sets of tennis every afternoon and shes seventy-three” so eleanor said i cant deal with that and i said okay el what are you going to do she said ill call carol carol is our expert carol has been an expert in anything domestic that weve ever done all our lives because were definitely...