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2. Practicing Death: Some Rituals of Everyday Life
- University of California Press
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T W O d PRACTICING DEATH Some Rituals of Everyday Life The unknown often arouses an uneasy blend of excitement, hope, and dread. “Be gentle with me. It’s my first time” can apply to situations other than a farewell to virginity. What will it be like to move away from the old neighborhood? To leave the familiar companions and routines of home? To leave school for the workplace? To retire after so many years of work? Life is replete with endings and beginnings that could provide partial rehearsals for the final passage to Hamlet’s “unknown territory.” Here I explore a few of the experiences with life that foreshadow our encounters with loss, separation, and death. The examples include bedtime rituals, religious and philosophical conceptions of the relationship between the quotidian and the cosmic, and the symbolism found in funeral and memorial rituals. Perhaps we will discover hints from everyday life that the final passage and its rituals are not entirely without precedent. NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep And if I die before I wake . . . “And if I die before I wake”? What an idea to plant in a child’s mind! How comforting to suggest that one might not wake up! No breakfast, 2 5 no hugs, no teasing sister or brother, no playing with pooch or kitty, and, worst of all, no television! What can be said in support of this once ubiquitous bedtime prayer? First, it affirms the comforting idea of a god who watches over us night and day and will be there for us should all else fail. In addition, children do think of loss, separation, abandonment, and death a lot more than most adults realize. Trying to make sense out of death is a significant part of mental and emotional development from early childhood onward .1 The “Now I lay me down” formula recognizes the child’s vulnerability to separation anxiety and thereby offers some comfort. Anxiety about abandonment shows itself almost immediately and can be triggered by even such small happenings as Mother leaving the room for a few minutes.2 The little ones are not being spoiled or neurotic when they seek the reassurance of an adult presence: their survival pretty much depends on it. Historically, children have been at high risk for death. Contagious diseases , uncontrolled infections, accidents, and lack of adequate food and shelter have combined to make the children’s hour a perilous time. Infant and child mortality has declined markedly for advantaged citizens of technologically developed nations as a result of public health education and preventive measures and medical advances. This is a fairly recent development, though. Centuries of filling the family plot with the mortal remains of infants and children are not easily forgotten. “And if I die before I wake” was all too often spoken within the context of family grief and concern. Even today, and even for adults, going to sleep requires closing our eyes to the solid and familiar world around us and yielding our conscious awareness and control. Sleep is a night journey on which the structure and rules of the day are not serviceable. As we embark on this journey, it is comforting to trust that the world we have temporarily surrendered will be restored to us. Finally, perhaps parents need the “Now I lay me down” chant just as much as their children do. Adults who try so hard to maintain control in a difficult world all day long must also surrender this effort as they hit the pillow, trusting that the Lord or a reasonable facsimile will look after things for a few hours. Comforting the child may help to comfort ourselves. Considering this, I asked myself: what rituals of everyday life might 2 6 / C H A P T E R T W O [3.94.102.228] Project MUSE (2024-03-28 21:05 GMT) influence our feelings about the final passage? “Bedtime rituals” is the answer that flashed back without hesitation. And so, let’s yawn, stretch, brush our teeth, and get ourselves ready for bed. BEDTIME RITUALS My earliest remembered experiences took place in a South Bronx tenement on a dead-end street that doesn’t seem to be there anymore. It was a noisy and chaotic neighborhood, I suppose, and the tumult carried over into our own ground-floor apartment. Often there was...