The Beauty of Men Never Dies
An Autobiographical Novel
Publication Year: 2013
Published by: University of Wisconsin Press
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Title Page, Copyright, Dedication
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The Beauty of Men Never Dies
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...dis tance that sum mer. And an oc ca sional flash of light ning on the edge of the world. Do you ever have the feel ing that every thing that has been rou tine isn’t rou tine any more? That the foun da tions and rhythms are not nec es sar ily worse or bet ter, but dif fer ent? I felt that way that sum mer in Miami Beach when in stead of trop i cal heat and blind ing sun we had ...
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...major lov ers. Four is my lucky num ber. And forty-four. And four teen. Forty-four was the num ber of my foot ball jer sey, if you can im a gine me play ing foot ball. I often see the build ing num ber 44 when I am travel ing down a street in a taxi. Just jumps out at me. And al though my third major lover and I se vered our con nec tion quite a long time ago, and there ...
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Cecil Bea ton per haps. Al though he was aw fully swish, and I could No, gay men as they age seem to re main for ever at tracted to the young. Their es cap ing youth? It’s not pretty. The sour ones who feel life dis ap pointed them turn to al co hol to sof ten their sor row. You see them Then there are the aging gay cou ples who oc cupy the stan dard ...
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...there is every pos sibil ity of my be com ing inter ested in a twenty-one- year-old Uru guayan po lice man. In my midseventies. How can I pos sibly do some thing that I find so em bar rass ing in my aging friends who are in fat u ated with much younger men? Much younger. I can han dle some-one in his fif ties, and even that is twenty-plus years younger....
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...on a wide stretch of beach with Ricky, my child hood lover. We were lov ers from when we were very small chil dren through our teen years. As we walked we could see white clouds piled high be fore us, with an open ing at ho ri zon level, through which the set ting sun shone. I could feel Ricky’s penis against me from be hind as we walked, and I ...
The Day I Knew Everything Wasn’t Going to Turn Out All Right
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...be fore my twelfth birth day. He had been ill with can cer for years, but I My next-older brother, An drew, woke me in the morn ing. He was smil ing. He said, “Daddy died last night,” tri um phant that he knew some thing I didn’t know. He al ways had an un pleas ant per son al ity in the fam ily. In the world out side, he was all charm. I don’t think I ever ...
The Night I Definitely Knew Everything Wasn’t Going to Turn Out All Right
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...it was the cus tom for stu dents to go to the mo vies on Sun day night. Our only movie the a ter was in the town across the river—a the a ter that had been built for am a teur theat ri cals be fore World War I and then screen ing on Sun day, Mon day, and Tues day. The rest of the week was Stu dents who were so cial went to the screen ings on Sun day be cause ...
Falling in Love Again
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...in ap pro pri ate. If he was any younger he could be my great-grandchild, let alone grand child. All I have to cling to is Jen nie Je rome Church ill, Wins ton Churchill’s mother. Her sec ond hus band was thirty or forty I need a role model like that. Not some one like Chris tian Dior, who died at an Ital ian fat farm try ing to lose weight in order to be worthy of ...
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...some kind of hope less old fart with a hope less crush on some Latin American fifty years my jun ior, I want you to know I ac tu ally do have a I had met Peter some time ago when he was writ ing music for a show a friend of mine had writ ten and was pro duc ing. What do I re mem ber about Peter? He was younger. Had dark hair. There was a sort of eager ...
My Injured Foot
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...cut my ankle very badly. Only this morn ing as I was awak en ing did I re al ize that it was the same year that my father died. He died the pre vi ous win ter, just two days be fore my twelfth birth day. I don’t need to go into was home. She had started teach ing school once my father died and nor mally left the house be fore my sis ter and I did on school days. But ...
The Only Thing I’ve Ever Killed
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...not write. But I must. Be cause I al ways think I have no se crets and will tell any one any thing if they ask. And this is some thing I would tell you First, you should know that I am a good shot. I have no idea why. I am adept at only two sports: swim ming and shoot ing. I don’t think you I was prob ably under ten when I ac com pa nied my older brother ...
What Can I Tell You about Grant Radke?
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Of the men I have been in volved with, which are not le gion, he was the only one. And why? I think be cause he is so im mersed in his busi ness life you would never get his full at ten tion, which is good. What doomed I met Grant through friends at din ner. A good bit shorter than I am. Stocky. A good body. I don’t think I would have paid him much ...
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...my self this morn ing (toast and tea, that’s all) and was sing ing some old song or other, I re mem bered that fre quently peo ple have said that I was sing ing what my sub con scious was think ing. A few days ago, I had ex ca vated “Be Care ful, It’s My Heart,” a hit from the 1940s. I was driv ing north with the mil lion aire. A few days later, he men tioned that he didn’t ...
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...things about his sex life, ob vi ously for some rea son, but a rea son I find dif fi cult to as cer tain. Walk ing with him down Aven ida 18 de Julio he told me again that he had worked as a teen age hus tler and that the park on the av e nue as you ap proach the uni ver sity build ings was where he had picked up men and cou ples. He said he had to do it to earn money ...
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...first book. For some rea son, I can never keep it quite straight in my head. And by fin ished, I mean pub lished. I don’t really count a book un less you can go into a store and buy it. I have four nov els and a how-to book writ ten and ready to be pub lished, so I guess I ac tu ally have fin ished This flood only began some fif teen years ago, and I have had one or ...
The Little Tree
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...through a bad patch when I couldn’t find any rea son to go on liv ing. I had thrown a ca reer in ad ver tis ing or pub lish ing into the toi let and be came a dancer. And now it was very clear that I would never be come a star, and if you didn’t be come a star your ca reer was going to be over by thirty any way. All those young, bouncy boys com ing up be hind you ...
My Life in New York
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...ex pe ri ence for me. I won der what it’s like for other peo ple. No one ever writes about it. I think peo ple begin to live in their own past. I don’t. The life I am liv ing now is as inter est ing, per haps more so, than any other pe riod of my life. My body hasn’t slowed down, not really, and I have never been one to sit around and be en ter tained. Fre quently when ...
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...long to him. I don’t even find other men at trac tive. Not as long as my man is sleep ing with me. I lock in on that one man. Whether he cheats on me is im ma te rial. That may be his grasp on our re la tion ship. It’s not Some times when my knowl edge of his in fi del ities be comes too over whelm ing, I have slept with some one else, just so when I am with ...
The Story That Comes to You
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...com plete in the night ex cept for the sec ond line, which I im pro vised:strong flash of once hav ing dreamed doing it. Are there layers of life going on that we are slip ping back and for ward to? There is a Chi nese quo ta tion about the man dream ing of being a but ter fly. Or was he a but ter fly dream ing of being a man? I am quite tired these days from ...
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I sold my apart ment and brought a few things to Miami Beach. So it isn’t en tirely over. And I still have a coun try house in the Loire Val ley. But I first went to Paris al most fifty years ago, and al though Paris hasn’t changed very much, I have. Do you think that some times we have lived too much? It doesn’t make me want to stop liv ing, but just to stop liv ing ...
Men and Cats
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...about men in their treat ment of cats. Not that I am one of the “cat One of my lov ers gave me a cat in the early 1970s. A kit ten from his house hold. I called the cat Gideon. Soon after, I found an other grown cat with a col lar in the streets of Green wich Vil lage. I called the num ber on his col lar tag and found he had be longed to a diner that had burned. ...
My Little Conversation with God
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...selves peo ple would fi nally grow up and do the right thing. But now after seventy years and more of hang ing around, I’m be gin ning to have my doubts. I said to God, “They’re be gin ning to look aw fully pro-grammed to me. Women just have to have ba bies no mat ter what. Men “I know,” God said. “You’re not the only one to be dis ap pointed. ...
(Some of the) Men in My Life
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My first real lover I met aboard ship in the Navy. He was an en listed man. I was an of fi cer, al though we were close in age. The thing I re mem ber most about him sex u ally was that al though he had no wish to con tinue our homo sex ual af fair after he left me to re turn to col lege, it was often When we were liv ing in New York in a tiny apart ment in Green wich ...
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...mas tur ba tion fan ta sies? I’d love to read it. It’s some thing gay men rarely talk about. I guess the im plicit under stand ing is that each of us is get ting so much sex we don’t really have the time or need to mas tur bate.But, of course, every one does. A whole lot. Pre cip i tated by the AIDS cri sis. At least you’re not going to contract some fatal dis ease from your ...
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...of Hem ing way short sto ries, “They are just an arc. But if you know the arc you know the en tire cir cle.” I won der. Here’s a frag ment of a short story I wrote that seems im por tant in the ex plo ra tion of these later years. Cran dall Rand raised his hand. I nod ded to him. “Are you gay, Mr. Waffi ng ton?” he said. The class froze. I sat down on the cor ner of my ...
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Mon tev i deo part of the year there is al ways much con fu sion. Do I mean Mon te ne gro, near Croa tia? Do I mean Mon ter rey in Mex ico on the gulf ? No, I mean the cap i tol of Uru guay. Which just causes more con fu-sion, as every one knows that Uru guay and Par a guay exist but are not at all sure where they are. If they know a lit tle some thing, they usu ally ...
Men in Buenos Aires
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Aires. There are lots of sexy men there, and sexy in a dif fer ent way from the men in Mon tev i deo, who are cer tainly very sexy, too. Here in Mon tev i deo, men are sexy in a kind of an i mal is tic, un a ware way. The shirts-off guys who drive the wag ons col lect ing junk, the bo tel le ros, don’t seem to know how sexy they are. They are just ready to fuck ...
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...to gether. In the sum mer. He wanted to re visit places in Ger many he had vis ited in the past. He loves the moun tains. I had read in the New York Times that no body was going to the Dal ma tian Coast be cause of the eco nomic re ces sion and the hotels were stand ing empty. It was sup posed to be chic, and I had never been there, al though my friend ...
When I Was Very Small
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...sleep in the same bed with my grand mother in Hol land, Mich i gan, and I would hear the night train blow ing its whis tle and feel very, very sad....
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...go to Sal va dor, Bahia, with Fenil and his son. I had or ga nized this sev eral months in ad vance and found when I called the travel agent that his wife and he were ac tu ally far up the Am a zon and his of fice was closed. I couldn’t even get a visa for Bra zil, as I didn’t have any flight in for ma tion or hotel res er va tions. The blight of my trip with Peter seemed to be ...
On Bariloche, Argentina
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Andes in Ar gen tina, to go fish ing with Fenil and his brother. We ren dez voused in Bue nos Aires, and then flew to Bar i loche, which is a Bar i loche is on a large lake where Ar gen tina and Chile back up on each other. This ter ri tory went un charted for a long time and was only clearly part of Ar gen tina in the late nine teenth cen tury. The early set tlers ...
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...morn ing while I was med i tat ing. How old can he be? He was a pos sibil ity as a lover for me many years ago. Which never hap pened. But he has al ways re mained in touch. I re mem ber my friend Ba bette Bo dine say ing to me at the time, “What Phil lipe doesn’t under stand is that when you have less to offer, you must do more.” I was never quite sure what ...
A Theme of Death
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...life, be gin ning with my father’s death when I was twelve. Con tin u ing with the loss of my nephew Nicky when I was prob ably twenty-four. Then Mis cha Mich e lescu . . . the beau ti ful dark-eyed, dark-curly-haired Mis cha Mich e lescu when I must have been ap proach ing forty. And now that I am between seventy-five and eighty, the deaths begin to cas cade....
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City. Rainy sea son. Who knew? No one ever goes to Pan ama from Miami. All you know about it is that middle-class Americans from the Mid west go there to re tire in gated com mu nities as much like Il li nois as But Fenil wanted to meet there. Di rect flights flew to Pan ama from where he was and from where I was. And it was cold where he was and ...
They Let Me Cry Myself to Sleep
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...we were stretch ing on the floor as the class began. I was lying down pull ing my straight ened leg up to ward my chest. I was hold ing my calf pull ing it down and sud denly was very aware that it was warm and smooth and strong. My legs have al ways been one of my best fea tures. Or is that two? (When I was play ing the role of a drag queen se rial killer ...
Driving through the Stars
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...“The beauty of men never dies. It drives a blue car through the stars.”If I thought dying was like rush ing to meet a hand some lover, a lover who truly loves you as you do him, who will hold you in his arms and bring you to or gasm in the most thrill ing man ner, I’d be will ing to die with out a qualm. I think I will start think ing of death in that way. ...
The Fall of Phaeton
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De Lue of the fall of Phae ton, who drove his sky-borne char iot too near the sun. Is that cor rect? I con fuse this myth with the fall of Icarus, whose wings col lapsed when the wax that held the feath ers in place melted At first I thought my statue was Icarus, and then re mem bered no horse ac com pa nied him into the air. No, it is Phae ton, who is al most ...
Last Notes on the Theme of Death
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Suddenly death seems omnipresent. It began with a friend of Peter’s coming to Montevideo to buy a house. He did so. Then installed himself in it and lay in bed drinking vodka until his family had to put him in a hospital, from which he walked out early one morning and threw himself in the river. ...
My Cat and the Abbott
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...this morn ing as I was awak en ing. He is very old. Fif teen going on six teen. Harry is a thin tiger cat whose eyes are some what sunken. As he purred and peered into my face, I thought, Harry is so old that he likes to lie upon my body and feel the fact that he is in con tact with an other liv ing Look ing into his eyes, I no ticed they seemed black and empty. Like ...
Just Shut Up
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...self, “Why don’t you just shut up?” I’ll hear my self at din ner or lunch or at a party deal ing out all my ideas about how peo ple waste their lives and pur sue the wrong goals and what they should really be doing and how they should really be liv ing, and I’m witty and it all sounds so new and fresh and star tling to the peo ple I’m talk ing to, and they say things ...
I Really Loved It
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Mon tev i deo, I looked out the win dow. The plane’s wing made a wide sil very sweep into the night. Above, there was a great white moon and the air was navy blue. Down below, the clouds of the Am a zon jun gle were like small whipped-cream moun tain tops. I thought, If I were to fall out of the plane right this mo ment, down, down through the dark blue air ...
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Dim i tris Yeros to il lus trate a Ca vafy poem for his new book. He posed me in an arm chair in my liv ing room. Be hind me and around me perched three much younger men in the nude, each very hand some. My dancer’s feet ex tended into the fore ground in their knob bi ness. Oth er wise, I looked pretty good. I tucked my pri vate parts away. This is ...
Page Count: 136
Publication Year: 2013