The Baileys Harbor Bird and Booyah Club

Hidden Depths

118 Hid­ den ­ Depths On a Fri­ day night in ­ mid-October, the mem­ bers of the Bai­ leys Har­ bor Bird and ­ Booyah Club were sit­ ting at a table in ­ Snuffy­ O’Toole’s Tav­ ern, sip­ ping draft Guin­ ness and watch­ ing the ­ seventh and final game of the World Se­ ries on ­ Snuffy’s ­ big-screen TV. The mar­ ried mem­ bers had been ex­ iled from their homes by their wives, who ­ wanted to watch an epi­ sode of The Fat­ test Loser that aired at the same time as the se­ ries.­ George had spent the bet­ ter part of the after­ noon try­ ing to con­ vince Helen that their cable ­ hookup al­ lowed them to watch two shows and ­ record a third one at the same time. “It’s sim­ ple, Helen,” he said. “You just . . .” But Helen had inter­ rupted. “I know you think it’s sim­ ple,­ George, but if we ­ pushed the wrong but­ ton we could miss every­ thing. You boys just go to ­ Snuffy’s and let us do it our way. I don’t know why you want to watch an­ other base­ ball game, any­ way.­ You’ve been watch­ ing base­ ball since April.” In the bot­ tom of the third, the ­ American ­ League ­ pitcher ­ struck out the side and a long com­ mer­ cial break began. ­ George sig­ naled­ Snuffy to bring an­ other round. “You know, I’m not sure how much of a bless­ ing cable TV ­ really is,” said Hans. “We’ve got all those chan­ nels, but to­ night we had to go to a bar to watch the ball game, just like they did in 1950. And I don’t think much of pay­ ing to watch com­ mer­ cials, ei­ ther. Just the other night I made my­ self a lit­ tle snack, ­ turned on the TV to watch a movie, and I had to sit ­ through five min­ utes of colon ­ health and Hidden Depths 119 bloat­ ing. It put me right off my crack­ ers and Cheez Whiz. I wound up watch­ ing the bat­ tle of the bulge on the Hit­ ler chan­ nel.” “Bloat­ ing is bad, but ED is worse,” ­ George said. “Why don’t they just say what they mean in­ stead of hint­ ing ­ around about being ‘ready’?” “You said it, ­ George,” Bump re­ plied. “And the sit­ u­ a­ tions in those com­ mer­ cials are so phony. The hus­ band and wife are paint­ ing the­ kitchen, she bumps into him, he gives her a look, and all of a sud­ den it’s pas­ sion city. Lemme tell ya, it ain’t that easy to get ­ things ­ started after ­ you’ve put in a ­ ten-hour day pump­ ing sep­ tic tanks in cold­ weather. And every time I see that com­ mer­ cial I won­ der—do they stop to clean their ­ brushes first, or do they just go for it? “But the ab­ so­ lute pits is when ­ you’re watch­ ing TV with your wife and they tell you to see a doc­ tor if you have a—con­ di­ tion— that lasts ­ longer than four hours. Jeez, the first time Emma heard that she ­ laughed so loud she woke up the kids.” “And then ­ there’s the one where the man and the woman are sit­ ting in ­ claw-footed bath­ tubs,out in the cold and naked as jay­ birds,”­ George said. “What are they think­ ing? For one thing, those old­ cast-iron tubs are cold on the back­ side—no won­ der they can’t get going. And any fool can tell you, not much is going to hap­ pen until­ you’re both in the same tub. ­ That’s the one where ­ you’re sup­ posed to ‘see Alice.’ I don’t know who Alice is, but she must be hot stuff. Get it?” They all ­ stared ­ straight ahead. “It’s a joke, guys,” ex­ plained­ George. “And a jolly good one, too,” Hans said. The com­ mer­ cial break ended, and the Bai­ leys Har­ bor boys re­ sumed watch­ ing the game. The first bat­ ter ­ worked a 3–2 count, and the ­ pitcher ­ stepped off the mound. The ten­ sion built. And then a tall, bulky, and com­ mand­ ing woman swept into the bar.“Oh God,it’s Lucy,”­ Snuffy whis­ pered. “Man your...