Zea Mexican Diary: 7 September 1926—7 September 1986

III. Mona

MONA I SUDda'Y 7 Sept 1986 Only tonight Sunday 14 Dec:ember going through my haphazard Diary again did I c:ome ac:rass these entries - fragments - c:aD'1 ."eD IIU you howiwhlD r wrole Ihlm - inserted here in square brac:kets - written mirac:u1ously an her birthday - an the day she died • [sael lovely Sunelay, quiet here on campus at Mary 's aiel wooelen house, wi bright sun & some winel. But it is the quiet that I love. !leminels me of Mile & Quarter elays. Toelay is her birthelay. 60 years!! No one will ever believe that! Looking so mu.c:h like 40! Now lying here almost completely ruineel. When I wisheel her Happy Birthelay this morning, something like the light after a cloud on water came upon her face. Surprise? !lecognition? Woneler? [Did she know that she wd die this day???] Have not been able [strang enough] to give her the gifts I'el hielelen 59 away ferr her: a silver bracelet & same cloth frem Senesral , a watch & chocolate Geneva Was playinsr our Ghana tape wi her K traordinary readinsr of 'Charity' (I Corinthians 13) & Larca's 'Death of a DuJlfisrhtar' bath of which I had recorded in Ghana wi (an the Lorca) her readinsr intexweav in51' wi Miles Davis' Concierto de Aranjuez from Skat ches of &pain, as if she, somehow, had created them aU into a sinsrle breathinsr AU this time, from dawn to about 9 am, she was talkin51' in her sleep, wanderinsr & quite incoherent Sometimes her lips moved quickly, like someone pr ayinsr [This was to be repeated near midnight that night as she approached the end] Sometimes there was a frown She was worryinsr about thin51's: files, Sava:au, Michael, did we eat etc etc etc) Then about 9:3D, wi me & Michael in the ream, she suddenly like wake up to go to the bathroom And wandered what was wren51' wi her foot [swollen & pain 60 ful wi the rhabdomyosarcoma]. Pwople dye [like mercu,I 'GchrolDe) had been painted on it yesterday even ing/aftemoon by the nurse, Miss Mac, before she went home About 2 weeks ago Mary came up to bish Town to fetch me because a similar incident had occurred - complete blackout of the illness 6 wonder at where she was/what is she doing here etc. I suppose miracles take place like th is - from this kind of moment - but we who love look on wi out [sufficient] faith a understanding a so the hope gets less the dream gets tamished a heaven weaker weaker weaker Michael & I had to persuade her to use the potty next to the bed (she wanted to go to the bathroom) & she sat down wi her elbow on the bad foot in that contemplative slightly straining way I know!' some times twisting the front of her hail' round a finger as if she was okay at home . . . When she was finished - it was water water water water - almost black when I looked at it - & seem61 ed it wd never end (she couldn't even wipe herself proper ly) - she wanted to stand up straight & we tried to let herthelp her but she collapsed fOlWard into my arms so heavy so heavy so heavy & i so help less & happy happy happy to have her here in my arms & I cd hold her for ever & ever & ever & ever & she said she was sorry for the inconvenience she was putting us to & said that this was wh (y) she wanted to be in her own house [we were to go to 46 College Common on Monday] & why she'd even prefer to be in hospital (!) - she who so disliked them & said she'd never go back there - the only time in all her life wi me I'd ever heard her tetchyl and of course sometimes she talkedl'complained' about the pain ... [and she had to keep wetting her lips wi her tongue all the time. I remember. and like chaw ing her mouth because it was so dry ... ] 2 62 Miss Mac [the 'practical nurse' - i.e. an 'untrained' 'non professional' woman skilled in 'looking after' people who are v sick or dying] arrived about 11 am & has taken over When she complained of feeling sick, Miss Mac replied Ronsensal Look upl Open your eye & lack at mao Again this is the secret of the mimc1e - to com pleteIy be1iwe that what's so is not so But this...