Zea Mexican Diary: 7 September 1926—7 September 1986

VIII. This obeia business

I What wonies me right now is the oppression of soul that I feel when I go up to Irish Tn Which is why I have cried out for company Someone to share the space to tell me it is my imagination. Insanally & Cynthia (6 they both have had their losses) say is natural - 'the psychosomatic effect of the loss' - trauma etc etc Bu (t) I ami ?was also feeling something else Effect perhaps of gUilt of fear the 'folk culture', or a combination of all these Bu (t) is like there is/was a presence up ther (e)l up here & it was not MeKican/ could nt be unless she had been converted(l) as I fear1'ed by the sulphur & the crosses & the nutmeg under the pillow into someth ing Opposite & Other than herself (Thank Goci . cion" feel this anymore But) there seemed to be something up there pressing on my hea159 rt along my spine in the sma11 of my ba ck & weighing down upon my shoulders & litera11y pushing me down Once I had to get up & put on my shirt while typing Par there was like something or some/one standing behind mel & it was making the very tiny hairs I didn't even know I had along my spine sing softly upwards like soft ants or gentle jesus breezes like some/thing infinite - that's a11 I can say about it! until it reach my neck & up into my head so that the hai (r) upon the bloodstream of my sku11 (for I was very conscious of my skull like it was staring) felt rushed up dark & heavy ta ngled up like something boiling made of snakes or something curled & uncoiling & I cd hardly breathe & even now to wr ite this brings it back to me/ until I noti ced that there was a glass-front picture up behind me & you know what people say bout mirrors & how they shd be cov 160 ered fram the saints ar gads ar ghasts ar deads wi a blue cawl ar clath etc etc etel sa that when I taak the picture dawn things seemed much 'better' after that But twic. it was sa bad I came back dawn [to town) quite tired aut 2 The first time I went up there af ter she died, there was this smell af cacaa - befare in fact I ask ed Jean ta make me same! (And as it turned out there was no cocoa left in that deserted silent household ) Next time there was the frightful smel1/ vv strangl af a strange cheap talc. Very sweet & fetid & appressive. Like the kind af paw 161 der you wd place upon a corpse - somehow - a smell like from the grave or something different like that. And I hear how she was telling Miss Mac that she didn't like the powder she was using at Gib Camp .,d & told me that when I went up [to IT] I shd bring down her powder for her - the talc she liked she used And I wondered about that And last night searching through pa pers in the study there was the distinct smell of coffee - before I came across an envelope mar k.ed Coffee Board And even as I type this now during this passage of the talc th ere is a faint whiff of (?more plea sant) powert but a presence! here lright now! again And of course 162 from time to time wherever I go wherever I am ... the odour of Miss Mac's sulphur ... the dirty-looking fistfulls brought up here 6 lit 6 placed in tins in every carner of the house! to bum her aut as if she was in bell. One piece 'get way' 6 seared a blk hale of calcutta in the bedroom carpet And Jean say how I muss repaint the house 6 change th (e) furniture around sa she cyaaa (n) recognize the place - my love my lIfe my darling Mexican! - your bou se your care yoW" love yoW" bome alway (s) your smile 01 welcome - and I shd beat the bedding up 6 'tum the ma ttrass' 6 doan sleep in that bed Dr Bratwaite and mek yu get same red underwears fe wear - if nat - if nat what Jean...