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chapter four The Formation of Gay and Trans Identities To become a gay or a transgender person is, still, an act of rebellion. The rebellion is against the power that asks us to follow the predefined gender roles of a man or a woman. The force that compels us to think, act, and desire as a man (in the case of those biologically defined as males) or a woman (in the case of those biologically defined as females). That force comes through family, school, religion, media, law, and state policies. The act of rebellion, however, does not lead to freedom, or the newly found freedom is not boundless. As one rejects the assigned gender role, or the expectations of parents and religious doctrines, and takes on the identity of “gay man” or “transgender,” one is agreeing, to a degree, to another set of expectations and norms. One is complying with a set of rules about how and what to think, act, and desire (Foucault 1976/1990; Scott 1986; Sawicki 1991; de Lauretis 1987; Ewick and Selby 1995). In this chapter I describe how compañeros came to call themselves gay or transgender (from male to female). As with the Latino label, not all the activists refer to themselves as gay or transgender. Some call themselves queer, while others refer to themselves as either drag queens, women, or simply use female pronouns when talking about themselves, especially in Spanish. Moreover, these categories deployed to define the self are socially constructed. Actually, to name same-sex desire between men “gay” is a relatively new phenomenon (Chauncey 1994). This identity, which stands as a third identity next to woman and man, is the product of social and political forces in the early and mid-twentieth century in Western Europe and United States. The gay man identity, thus, emerged as the primary way to name same-sex desire and as a way of living for a group of white males in affluent societies. Toward the end of the twentieth century, the gay identity became widely spread in countries like Mexico and Brazil (Carrillo 2002; Parker 1991). The life histories of these activists show that the adoption and construction of a gay and transgender identity is largely a sociocultural process in which peers, community organizations, and other socializing venues, such as bars and neighborhoods, play a central function. These activists adopt identities as gay or bisexual men and transgender as they meet compañeros: peers who share their experiences, mentor them, and support them to overcome the internalized stigma. In the words of Pierre, a Cuban immigrant living in Chicago, compañeros help see one self “inside out” and “knock down the wall” of repression. Becoming a Gay Man “I Was Born Gay” When asked about how they became gay or when they first thought of themselves as gay, these Latino men say that they were born gay. They, of course, did not mean that they have always called themselves gay or that they always knew they were gay. What they do mean is that since an early age they felt different from others. They saw themselves as different from other boys, and they knew they related differently to other males from how they saw other boys relating to males. Also, they saw that their parents and schoolteachers treated them differently from other male siblings or friends. As Victor, the twenty-three-year-old activist from Chicago, explains, “I’ve always known it. When I was a kid, it was like I was ridiculed, so I’d push it away.” Some of these men articulate this feeling of being different as not fitting traditional gender roles, such as not liking to play soccer and wanting to play with dolls. Others, however, did not express the sense of being different in those terms. They simply intuited that something about them was distinctive. Fabian “came out of the closet” (“salir del closet,” he says) at the age of thirty when he decided to divorce his wife. He has always felt different, however: I always was very different. . . . I think it was that I’ve always been gay.Although back then I didn’t know what gay meant, I knew I liked men, since I was little. I believe I was five or six years old. Of course, I didn’t know how to verbalize it. But I knew it wasn’t correct that I was attracted to a man; I felt guilt. At the age they start...

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